#2219

Posted on March 13, 2019 by onlyfragments

Tal’reth, are you finally coming to stay with me? Will we be together now, forever and ever?

“TAL’RETH, NO! TALRETH!”

The paladin revives with a gasp as the health potion jumpstarts his heart and his empty lungs spasm for air. For just a second it seems like the whole world is paused; where he lays collapsed in the mud he can see a dark sky filled with suspended raindrops, their glittering forms lit by a strange white light. Then the moment bursts, the light winks out, and the rain resumes in an abrupt downpour.

“Tal’reth!” Sani runs up out of the darkness and throws herself at Tal’reth, giant toddler tears running down her cheeks. “I thought you were gone! I thought you were gone forever like Mommy!” Despite the fact that he’s muddy, wet, and in quite a bit of pain even with the potion, Tal’reth gathers the little avatar into his arms and holds her tightly against his lightning-scorched chest. If she can feel his hammering heartbeat, he figures she’ll assume it’s just from the fright of his near-death experience. “It’s okay,” he reassures her with a voice less steady than usual. “It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.”

Keeping Sani cradled in one arm, Tal’reth slowly climbs to his feet with a stifled groan, muttering, “I’m getting getting too old for this,” under his breath as he does so. He surveys the little clearing. The hag’s limp body lays crumpled in the mud, her head a few feet away. His companions seem to have handled the attack in his brief absence; Loch is awake once more, no thanks to Galas and his ill-timed misfire, and looking as if she feels about the same as Tal’reth. She flashes him a wry smile and slaps him on the shoulder. “Walk it off,” she advises in her thick Skovan accent. “You’re fine.” He’s curious about her own near meeting with the Raven Queen, or whatever will come for the warlock in the end, but he wouldn’t be open to telling his own story in return and so he says nothing.

“You,” Loch points at Galas, who still looks as petrified as he did when the hag was alive. “Take watch.” With that she limps toward the tent, and Tal’reth follows stiffly after. He eases himself gently onto his cot and curls up, Sani still cradled against his chest. As he drifts off, Tal’reth just catches the soft voice which whispers close in his ear, It’s okay, Tal’reth, we’ll be together soon. He shudders involuntarily and holds Sani a little tighter.

#2208

Posted on February 16, 2019 by onlyfragments

“Remr, which silk do you prefer for your pact-night dress?” Lady N’batshi strode into her daughter’s room without warning, a pile of expensive silks overflowing in her arms. She lay them gently on the bed and began sorting through them. “It’s traditional to wear red or pink in honor of Our Lady, but you would look so lovely in this dark blue; oh, maybe with this white for a trim, the gold embroidery would set off your eyes so nicely!” Ignoring the open book in Remr’s lap, she draped the bolts of silk over the tiefling girl’s shoulders and tutted to herself. “Hmm, or perhaps the white with the blue for the trim? Which do you prefer?”

“Oh,” Remr stared down at the cloth, frozen. “Um. Yeah, about that.”

“What?” Lady N’batshi cast her daughter a quick glance as she set out a selection of velvet ribbons. “Did you have another color in mind?”

“No. I, uh…” Remr carefully set the silks aside, afraid she might rip them to pieces if she held them in her nervous hands. She tried to remember the words she had rehearsed, the ones which she was sure would win her mother over without fail. They had fled somewhere, though, or perhaps were trapped in the cold pit of her stomach where they could be of no help. Instead she closed her eyes and quickly confessed, “I don’t want to make a pact with Verenestra. I want to make a pact with The Seeker.”

“What are you talking about?” Her mother laughed haltingly, as if uncertain whether this was some practical joke she didn’t quite grasp. “Every woman in our family for the past two hundred years has made their warlock pact with Verenestra. It’s the tradition which has built our family into what it is now; we have served her faithfully and she in turn has granted us countless blessings. How can you possibly think to turn your back on that history?”

“Because I don’t want to be a succubus!” Remr leaped to her feet, yellow eyes pleading. “I don’t care about love and beauty and sex and all that. I want to serve The Seeker! I want to make new scientific discoveries and uncover answers to the mysteries of the world. I want to learn everything I can about everything there is to know!” As she spoke she swept out one arm to encompass her bedroom and its collection of books, diagrams, tools, and jars full of various captured creatures. “It’s not fair to make me pact myself to a patron I don’t want.”

“This is not up for discussion, young lady!” Lady N’batshi waved one stiff finger in her child’s face as she lectured her. “You may be turning sixteen this month and making your pact, but that doesn’t mean you aren’t still a daughter of this house. Being a member of the N’batshi clan comes with certain responsibilities which can’t simply be thrown aside because you want to keep…” She gestured helplessly at the cluttered room. “To keep running around in the woods collecting lizards!”

“You don’t understand!” Remr stomped her foot, her tail lashing back and forth. “You don’t even try to understand. Uncle Tao’rumi is the only one who does!” She dropped her head to hide her tears and muttered, “And they’re snakes, not lizards. They’re not even in the same suborder.”

Her mother ignored this last comment. “Uncle Tao’rumi,” Lady N’batshi replied with a weary sigh, “isn’t the matriarch of this clan. Now, let’s just calm down.” She took a deep breath; when she spoke again, her voice was gentler but no less patronizing. “I know you’re nervous to make your pact; I was too when I was your age. It’s perfectly natural to feel this way. You have a big journey ahead, and it’s okay to be a little scared of where it leads.”

It was no use arguing. Remr knew her mother would never understand what passions drove her youngest daughter, nor how confining were the expectations which came with the N’batshi name. If she wanted to change her fate, this was not the way to go about it. “You’re right, Mother,” she conceded, wiping away the tears shining on her red face. “Maybe I just need some time to think.”

Lady N’batshi smiled and patted Remr on the arm. “That’s my girl.” She rose, gathering up the silks. “Now, think about which colors you want, we need to place the order with the seamstress by the end of the week.” And with that her mother was gone, bustling back out the door to continue ensuring her miniature empire ran smoothly. Such arguments were so common place by now that she barely registered them as disturbances; she was certain her daughter would see the rightness of the path laid out for her in the end.

Mother’s right about one thing, Remr thought to herself as she shut her bedroom door. I do have a big journey ahead of me. She dug out a large traveling pack and began stuffing it with clothes, books, and parchment. If I leave now I won’t even be missed until the morning, and by then I’ll be far from here.

#2202

Posted on January 25, 2019 by onlyfragments

The fur on Tal’reth’s back prickled as he sat at the bar counter. Someone was watching him, and not in the surreptitious manner of spies or thieves; this was a frank, pointed stare that felt more curious than threatening. Curiosity could be a good thing or a bad thing, though, especially when it was aimed at a leonine tabaxi almost eight feet tall. Nodding casually to the barkeep, Tal’reth took his ale and moved to a table near the back of the tavern where anyone who wanted to watch him would have to expend more effort to do so. There he nursed his drink and waited for whomever found him so interesting to act.

He didn’t have long to wait. After a few moments a young aasimar woman on the other side of the room stood and wound between the tables toward him. She wore a fine black traveling gown edged with black lace and a small silver bird skull at her throat tied with a black velvet ribbon. A follower of the Raven Queen, he guessed, maybe an initiate or newly made priestess. It was always hard to tell age with aasimar; she could be as old as him and not look a day over eighteen. Her features were especially hard to judge as her hair was a shining white and her eyes such a pale blue they seemed to belong to a specter. Tal’reth knew ghosts, though, and this girl was vibrantly alive in comparison.

“Can I help you?” he asked as she stopped before his table. The aasimar stared at him for a moment, her brow creased as if what she saw in him concerned her greatly, and then she replied, “Have you sought forgiveness for your crimes?” Tal’reth managed not to roll his eyes; instead, he said with as little irritation as possible, “I’m not in the market for a religion, but thanks anyway.” He then pointedly turned his focus back to his ale in the hopes the woman would accept the polite dismissal. Instead, she sat down across from him and asked, “Who is she?”

Tal’reth’s hand clenched around the tankard. He wanted to bare his teeth but settled for a curl of his lip. “None of your business,” he growled. “That’s who she is.” Normally even his slightest ‘don’t fuck with me’ expression got someone to back off, yet the aasimar only responded to his hostility with a sad shake of her head. “You’re on a very dark path,” she sighed. “There’s much death behind you and only more death ahead you if you keep to it. I can help you if–”

“I’m not in the market for free advice, either,” He stood abruptly and glared down at the young woman. “I think we’re done here.” With that Tal’reth turned toward the stairway to his rented room. As he walked away he caught the aasimar say softly, “I will pray you learn to set down your burdens.” He shook his head and muttered, “Fucking oracles”.

#2175

Posted on November 8, 2018 by onlyfragments

So my current DnD PC Selene, the siren trapped in a semi-human body, has broken the curse placed on her by a gross incel wizard and can finally go home. I didn’t write much about her, it’s true, but that’s because all she ended up doing was smashing stuff and eating everything in sight; entertaining for sure, yet not quite worth bragging about. SHE WAS SUPER FUN TO PLAY, though, and I will miss her, but now she has returned to her ocean home and is happily wrecking ships and devouring sailors once more. And no, she didn’t learn any lesson from the experience except maybe that if you’re going to eat someone who has potentially vengeful family members, try to eat them too before they put a fucking curse on you. Failing that, break their legs and see if that helps.

My party members will now be meeting up with my new character Tal’reth (or Giant Cat Dad if you like) and I am super stoked to play him. He’s a good guy trying to make up for a dark past and should be a very frustratingly justice-aligned counterpoint to my wife’s chaotic neutral/evil aasimar warlock. (We didn’t plan it that way but BOY IS IT GONNA BE INTERESTING.) I’m going to keep his one big secret under wraps for now so my party members don’t catch on, so here’s what I’ve got so far:

Name: Tal’reth
Race: Tabaxi
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Class: Paladin
Paladin Oath: Vengeance; this oath includes the tenets “Fight the Greater Evil”, “No Mercy for the Wicked”, “By Any Means Necessary”, and “Restitution”.
Alignment: Chaotic good
Intelligence: High
General physical description: Large lion tabaxi with pale fur and blue eyes, approximately 8 feet tall (though the mane probably makes him look taller), bears quite a few scars.
Dress style: Mostly loose breeches and a sleeveless tunic top. He doesn’t wear anything that reveals him to be a paladin as he often travels in places where foreign gods aren’t tolerated. If anyone asks his trade he says he’s a bard and carries a penny whistle to prove it. If anyone questions that (he doesn’t exactly fit the bard stereotype), well… not many do. He’s very intimidating and doesn’t particularly like answering personal questions.
Fighting style: Great weapon fighting, grappling, probably some mauling if necessary
Weapons/armor: Great sword, shield, dagger, being a giant lion
Hobbies: He’s actually pretty good on the penny whistle, and he uses his claws to make wood carvings. In general he doesn’t have a ton of hobbies though, being focused as he is on his mission.
Positive personality traits: He’s very protective of women and children, and very opposed to people in positions of power who use their authority to take advantage of others (like corrupt officials, priests, royalty, etc).
Negative personality traits: He might mean well, but his methods can be quite brutal. Also, for much of his life he was a not-so-very-good person. He’s making up for that now, though.
Sense of humor: Dry sarcasm (and maybe puns if I can pull it off).
How other people see him: “Big motherfucker” is the usual descriptive phrase used. He’s very obviously someone you don’t want to mess with. Children, however, may feel instinctively safe with him.
Religion: Tal’reth is sworn to Kodkod, a chaotic good deity whose domains include life, innocence, and childhood. She may or may not have cursed him after he killed a young girl in service to his last mercenary patron, and after this he became devoted to Kodkod and ridding the world of evil. He’s not like most of Kodkod’s paladins, though, as she tends to attract lighthearted types who retain the wonder and innocence of childhood. Tal’reth is a tough guy all the way through, but he does important work for Kodkod that her other paladins might find… too gruesome.
Background: For most of his life Tal’reth has been a mercenary, most recently aligned with a powerful warlord who desired control over neighboring lands. After the incident with Kodkod (which involves the secret I’ll probably spill before I mean to), he had a change of heart and has become a champion for good. Chaotic good, though; he’s retained his brutal ways, he just uses them against bad guys now instead of just against whomever couldn’t pay him enough to leave them alone.
Reason for adventuring: Restitution for his past sins.
Philosophy of life: Those who can fight should fight for those who cannot.
Most important thing to know about this character: He takes the tenets of his oath very seriously and will not hesitate to do what he thinks is right, regardless of whether this is seen as “right” in the eyes of others or the law. He isn’t a religious zealot by any means but he is driven by the need to make things right and to protect the innocent.
Other random facts: He’s immune to disease; he can detect the presence of undead, celestial, and fiendish creatures within 60 feet; and he can summon a spirit steed (warhorse) with which he is bonded. This creature can understand him and fight with him. Considering how big he is, it’s probably one big motherfucker too.

I love me some fuckin moodboards, okay?

#2145

Posted on July 26, 2018 by onlyfragments

Mage opened her eyes to an unfamiliar room. The floor and walls were all of dark stone and the tall arched ceiling disappeared into darkness. Only weak light filtering in from recessed windows high above provided any lighting, and that served more to strengthen than dispel the shadows.

“Hello, nameless one,” A voice from somewhere behind and above her made Mage twist around in a ready stance. “Who–” She tilted her head back to see the speaker fully and then sighed, relaxing her defensive pose with a slump of her shoulders. “Ah shit, am I dead?”

“You are indeed,” The figure before her nodded, face hidden by a raven skull mask. The goddess stood several times taller than Mage’s not inconsiderable height, her body hidden by a cloak of raven’s feathers that stirred on the ground as if from an unperceived wind. When she spoke her words echoed both through the stone chamber and within Mage’s mind. “Welcome to the halls of the Raven Queen.”

“Thanks… I think,” Mage’s eyes wandered as she searched her memory for what had happened before she’d woken up in this strange room. At first the thoughts were too slippery to hold onto, like half-remembered dreams, but then they solidified. She remembered a battle, fire and lightning and earth all torn up and hurled together. Someone yelling and someone else – her – cackling in joy. “Oh!” She looked back up to the Raven Queen. “Did I at least take the avatar out with me?”

“Yes, for what that may be worth to you,” A hint of amusement crept into the goddess’ voice, though with the mask on it was difficult to determine at what exactly she was amused. “As you know, their path to reincarnation is a little more straightforward than yours. Somewhere a baby takes its first breath and the cycle begins anew.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” Mage waved the news away. “It was still fun though.” Clearly unconcerned about her own death, she began examining the hall with marked disappointment. “Huh, I was kind of expecting, like… a lake of fire or something. For my misdeeds and stuff.”

“That can be your fate, if you prefer,” The towering figure shrugged elegantly. “However, I have a better proposition for you. I have need of your… particular skills… in regards to souls which have escaped their appointed fates and have thus unbalanced the worlds. If you are willing to act as my avatar on the other planes when necessary, I am prepared to offer in return a place within my halls.” She spread black-clad arms to encompass the realm over which she reigned. “No lake of fire, no eternal darkness. Plus you can kill things. So very many things.”

“Hmm…” Mage pursed her lips and rolled her head back and forth in contemplation, then shrugged. “Sounds pretty sweet. I’m in.” She spit on her hand and held it out. The Raven Queen grimaced behind her mask but shook the proffered hand anyway while replying, “Then let this pact be sealed.”

#2103

Posted on April 24, 2018 by onlyfragments

Our current DnD campaign isn’t over yet but I’m already working on my next character because ideas! Her name is Selene and she is a siren (ie killer mermaid) cursed to remain trapped in a human-shaped body, thus preventing her from being with her kin in the ocean. She has none of her siren powers, but she makes up for that by basically being an anthropomorphic shark. I LOVE HER ALREADY.

Name: Selene (in Common)
Race: Siren (homebrew based on water genasi stats)
Age: Sub-adult
Gender: Female
Orientation: Hella gay, just so so gay for pretty ladies
Class: Barbarian
Primal Path: Berserker
Alignment: Chaotic neutral
Intelligence: Mid-low
General physical description: About 5’4″, very slim but well muscled, body somewhat “androgynous” (not very curvy, kinda flat-chested), blueish-gray skin similar to shark skin, completely black eyes, long straight black hair, teeth shaped and in rows like a shark’s, pointed ears
Dress style: Selene is used to being naked and therefore doesn’t like to feel confined by clothing, so she wears as little as possible and what she does wear is very open and flowing; she doesn’t wear shoes or anything else restricting, nor does she need to given her tough skin; she does bear lots of gold and silver piercings in her ears/lips/nose/eyebrows/etc because sirens like shiny things
Weapons: Teeth, claws, shark tooth club that slings across her back, barnuckles (brass knuckles made out of barnacles)
Hobbies: Sinking ships, eating people, playing with her sisters and other sea creatures, sunning on rocks, exploring shipwrecks
Positive personality traits: Curious, brave, headstrong, physically affectionate, easily attached to people or things, open-minded and accepting in a semi-oblivious way
Negative personality traits: Petulant, vengeful, short-sighted, self-centered, spicy but short-lived temper
Sense of humor: Dark; siren humor is like “haha, look, you thought we were pretty ladies but we’re actually scary monsters who are gonna drown you!”
How other people see her: Like a literal monster most of the time since she doesn’t have very good manners and is basically a land shark, or maybe as just a particularly weird water jenasi; she doesn’t easily endear herself to others since she’s more wild creature than human being
Opinion of herself: Generally high; sirens aren’t big on self-reflection
Religion: None – though sirens do respect the sea goddess Umberleigh (aka The Bitch Queen), as it was she who first created them in her bitchy likeness
Background: Selene was just a typical young siren, singing songs and sinking ships, until she sank the wrong ship and the brother of one of the dead sailors cursed her to remain trapped in a semi-human form; until she breaks the curse she can’t return to her home and has none of her siren powers, hence why she has to depend on her body’s physical attributes (strength, dexterity, sharp teeth, etc) when fighting
Reason for adventuring: To find the wizard who cursed her and ~~eat him~~ make him remove the curse, then eat him
Philosophy of life: Eat or be eaten; also, finder’s keepers, losers weepers
Most important thing to know about this character: Although she’s a chaotic monster who literally eats humans, she’s also a young creature away from her home and family in a totally unfamiliar world
Other random facts: She’s good at mimicking sounds; she has little fear of creatures larger than herself; she’s basically always hungry, and will eat almost anything; she’s very distrustful of men; when she gets really worked up she has a harder time speaking Common; she has absolutely no qualms about lying
Other belongings: Her only real belongings of value are all of her piercings, since most of those are gold or silver; she did steal a pack from someone who tried to capture her and therefore also has a waterproof pipe tobacco set, a whittling set, a guilded dragon tooth, something called “the captain’s ring”, a jar of breathe fire, ever-ready tinder, a mini machinists chest, a lake iron hunting knife, an ironwood club, and something called “kindred crow call”

20180408_154011

#2077

Posted on March 3, 2018 by onlyfragments

I can’t believe I haven’t talked about all the fun (ie terrible) things Mage has done in our recent DnD sessions! As you may recall, our DM and I killed off my magical girl warlock Dhashi and resurrected my psychopathic villain Mage into her body. Mage is theoretically there to help the others complete their quest to defeat the evil god Bezos, but that doesn’t mean she can’t have some fun (and irritate her ~~party members~~ workplace associates) on the way. For example…

While fighting a horde of zombies, she ripped the arm off of one and used it to beat its head into a pulp
She has used Shatter and Eldritch Blast several times to make enemies explode
When the group found themselves trapped by a thieves guild, she used Misty Step to teleport behind their leader and cut her throat (specifically in such a manner as to incapacitate the woman but ensure she died a slow and extremely painful death, which my wife was happy to describe in great medical detail*)
She beguiled two guards into leading the group to a secret catacomb entrance, then forced the guards to come along in case they needed someone to “test” the traps and wards
After one of the guards burned to death doing just this, she cut his arm off and used it to continue safely triggering traps
She also might have looted a locket from him with pictures of his kids inside; too bad, so sad
She tried to fight another PC who is waaaay above her level and immediately lost, but got a sick sidecut in the bargain so no hard feelings there
She convinced the goddess of the ocean to defeat some enemies for them and in return told the goddess she could destroy a town full of innocent people
She bought a jug that can produce anything; she used it to produce BEES and then set them free in a tavern for funzies (and before you ask, it wasn’t even that many bees, thirty is not a lot of bees, please tell my DnD group that)

*Yes, I asked my wife the best way to cut someone’s throat and she answered immediately because she’s AMAZING

#2072

Posted on February 21, 2018 by onlyfragments

[ This follows the scene with Dhashi and the scrying bowl ]

“Hey there, little one. Yer Dhashi, right?”

“Oh!” Dhashi, kneeling on the cold stone floor, lifted her head from her hands and wiped at the steadily falling tears. In the doorway stood a tall man wearing the usual uniform of a gunslinger, complete with brimmed hat and sarape. If Overwatch existed in this universe, Dhashi would have noticed he looked extremely similar to McCree; but it doesn’t, so she didn’t. “Y-yes,” she replied, getting unsteadily to her feet. “Who are you? Where’s the Raven Queen?”

“The name’s Mercer. She sent me to show you around, get you settled and stuff,” He took a step into the room, figuring the girl had had enough scares for one day and not wanting to alarm or overwhelm her. “That okay?” Dhashi glanced back at the basin, her only link to the world she had just been ripped from. “But… my friends…” Mercer came a few steps closer and laid a hand lightly on her shoulder. “It’s okay, you can come back here any time you want.” The touch calmed her a little, and Dhashi managed a braver smile than she felt. She nodded for him to lead on and he steered her back out into the long, columned hallway, an arm resting around her shoulders.

“So this is the Raven Queen’s home?” Dhashi glanced up as they walked, eyeing the dark stone arches and the weak light filtering in from windows set high in the walls. “It’s so… spooky.” She shivered as a spider skittered across the marble floor. “And dark.” Beside her, Mercer shrugged. “It ain’t so bad once you get used to it. And you won’t be here often once you become a Champion.”

“Oh,” Dhashi’s feet seemed to stop of their own accord as her stomach flip-flopped. “Right. That.” Mercer stopped as well and knelt down so they could talk on level, his hand never leaving her shoulder. “Don’t worry, kid, you’ll do great.” He gave the aasimar a conspiratorial wink. “You have the best in the business to teach you.”

“You’re one of the Raven Queen’s Champions?” Dhashi’s look of surprise changed to one of suspicion and she eyed him as if he would transform into a monster at any moment. “But you’re not all scary and mean like the other one.” Her comment made Mercer throw back his head and laugh, and the atmosphere between them relaxed once more. “I assume you mean Mage. Yeah, she’s… intense, that’s fer sure. We’re not all like her, though. Think of us like special tools – you need the right tool fer the job, whether that’s somethin’ small and delicate,” he pointed at Dhashi, “or big and strong,” he pointed at himself, “or utterly terrifyin’ and almost certainly insane.” He laughed again, not noticing how wide Dhashi’s eyes had gone. “Are my friends going to be okay with her?” she asked.

“Oh yeah, they’ll prob’ly be fine,” Mercer climbed to his feet, then finally noticed the tears welling in the girl’s eyes. “Oh jeeze, wait, don’t start cryin’ again,” he pleaded, but it was too late. The tears fell in waterfalls. “Dangit,” he muttered, “I’m terrible at this mentorin’ thing. Uhh,” he glanced around desperately for a distraction, “look, birds! Look at the nice birds.” He steered Dhashi toward the nearby rookery, pointing up at the ravens of all sizes and ages that roosted or hopped from perch to perch in the airy room. He had no way of knowing how much Dhashi missed her own animal companion, Charlie, but either way he breathed a sigh of infinite relief as her tears ceased and her smile reappeared.

– – –

“Going well?” The Raven Queen appeared at Mercer’s side as he leaned against the open doorway. He nodded to where Dhashi sat on the rookery floor, birds already nestled among the folds of her dress, perched on her arms, and grooming her long, golden hair with their sharp beaks. She murmured to them as she smoothed their glossy feathers, and the ravens burbled and croaked in reply. “She’s got a big heart,” Mercer conceded. “And she’s braver than she realizes. Dunno if that’ll be enough, though.”

“It will have to be,” The goddess clapped him on the shoulder, then disappeared. Mercer stood watching Dhashi for a moment more, then went to join her. She smiled up at him as if they were old friends and began telling him the birds’ names.

#2071

Posted on February 19, 2018 by onlyfragments

“You can talk to her, if you want.”

This was it; they had finally arrived. After traveling south from the ruins of Lunanoff,sailing across the Bay of Pitch, laboring their way through the mountains beyond Dull, and fighting their way through the undead keepers of the Raven Queen’s temple, Ro and Ilkan and their new ~~companion~~ workplace associate Mage finally stood before the infamous goddess herself. However, their hope to be reunited with Dhashi, and subsequently rid of Mage, was not to be fulfilled; the goddess explained that Dhashi wasn’t yet ready to return to the mortal world, that she needed more time to train before she could act as the Raven Queen’s champion. They would all be together again soon, she promised, but not yet. Disappointment weighed on Ro and Ilkan, two battle-hardened warriors who would never have guessed the absence of one irritating, hyper-optimistic teenager could hurt them so. The Raven Queen understood, of course. The Raven Queen had dealt in death and loss since the beginning of time.

“You can talk to her, if you want,” The Raven Queen, who towered over the three cursed companions as she sat on her throne, motioned toward the scrying bowl at her feet. Mage, bored now that the killing was over, picked her nails with a knife. Ro resolutely shook her head, eschewing anything the goddess of death might offer and holding fast to her raging grief. But Ilkan nodded and moved toward the bowl. “I’d like to,” he said, voice uncharacteristically thin. The Raven Queen held her hand over the bowl and the mirror-clear surface shimmered, then stilled again. Instead of Ilkan’s reflection, the water showed a man garbed in the brimmed hat and sarape of a gunslinger. “Mercer,” she said, “put Dhashi on.”

“Got it,” The gunslinger tipped his hat to the goddess and then turned to someone beyond the mirror’s edge. “Dhashi!” he yelled. “Dhashi, the boss wants you! …Dhashi, c’mere! Stop paintin’ the ravens’ claws and–” Behind him, a mass of black wings and pink glitter shot past. “DHASHI GET YER BUTT OVER HERE.” Mercer disappeared, replaced by a Dhashi who looked fairly unchanged, albeit paler and a little diminished in some essential way. She waved hesitantly and managed a fairly good approximation of her usual smile. “Hi Ilkan…”

“Hey,” The goliath waved one giant hand in return. He was already fighting back tears. “How are you?”

“I’m okay,” Dhashi shrugged a little, suddenly shy for all that she had been longing to speak with her friends again. “It’s not so bad here. Mercer’s nice. How are you?”

“I’m.. we’re…” Ilkan glanced over to Ro’s stiff back and shrugged as well. “You know.”

“Yeah,” Dhashi wiped at her eyes, then managed a truer smile. “You guys are doing really well, though. I’ve been watching.” A moment of silence passed, strained with all the things that could be, but were not, said, and then Dhashi brightened a little. “Can I say hi to Charlie?” Ilkan managed an honest chuckle at the eagerness on the aasimar’s face and nodded. “I was just about to get him out,” he said, pulling the little glass bowl out from where he had stored it in his pack before the battles in the temple. He held it over the scrying bowl and the little fish inside swam around in its usual unhurried manner. “He misses you.”

“Hi Charlie!” Dhashi wiggled her fingers at the fish, who didn’t seem to notice at all, and wiped away more tears as they continued to fall. “Thank you for taking care of him, Ilkan. I miss you guys so much. I’m trying really hard so I can come back soon.” She turned her head to look at something or someone beyond the scrying bowl’s surface, then looked back at Ilkan with a bittersweet smile. “I should go. Say hi to Ro for me, okay?” Ilkan nodded. “Okay.”

The mirror’s surface shivered and cleared, once again reflecting only the Raven Queen’s temple and Ilkan’s tear-streaked face as he turned away. As he carefully returned Charlie to the relative safety of his pack, he caught the sound of a surreptitious sniff from Ro’s direction. When the party gathered back together, though, she had her emotions under their usual tight rein.

#2070

Posted on February 17, 2018 by onlyfragments

“A Candlenights celebration? We have to go! Please please please?” In the tavern common room, Dhashi turned her wide blue eyes back and forth between Ilkan and Ro, bouncing eagerly on the balls of her feet as she did. Candlenights was her favorite holiday and she absolutely couldn’t miss a chance to celebrate it in the big city. She was sad that she couldn’t spend the holiday with her fathers, of course, but this would totally make up for it.

“Will there be food?” Ilkan asked, and Dhashi knew she had him. “Lots!” she replied. “And most of it fried.” The goliath shrugged. “I’m in.” They turned their attention to Ro, who scowled over her tankard and jerked her head in her version of an eye-roll. “Fine,” she muttered. “I suppose we could use a break from saving the world anyway.”

“Ohmygosh yay!” Dhashi dashed up to their rooms in a blur of ribbons and glitter to change into a more holiday-appropriate outfit.

– – –

“Oh my gosh, everything’s so beautiful!” Dhashi’s eyes glimmered with the reflection of the colorful lanterns bobbing in the air above the festival. Her outfit, a monstrosity of red and green ribbons, white lace, and little bells that tinkled every time she moved, blended in so well with the festival’s decorations that several passersby assumed she was one of the performers. As Ro and Ilkan stared dubiously into the packed crowd, the assimar danced back and forth to a tune only she could hear, apparently, and tried to catch snowflakes on her tongue. But then a chance gap in the crowd revealed the rows and rows of game booths, the giant prizes caught Dhashi’s attention, and she went bolting into the crowd with a trailing, “Ooh, games!”

“Aaaaaand there she goes,” Ro sighed, wondering how they would ever track Dhashi down in the chaos. “Bloody hell.” She turned to her companion, who already had his nose in the air sniffing out the direction of the food vendors. “Shall we hunt down some of that promised fried food first?” she suggested, and would have lost Ilkan in the crowd as well as he ran off, had he not stood several heads above everyone else. Ro followed after at a more sedate pace, using her swinging cane to clear a decent path through the crowd and begrudgingly admiring how fast Ilkan could move when food was involved.

– – –

Stuffed animals, lanterns, charms, dolls, there were so many prizes to choose from that Dhashi couldn’t pick which game to play first – until she reached the last stall and stopped short, staring up at its rows and rows of glass bowls, each with a goldfish or betta fish swimming lazy circles inside. Her eyes somehow managed to get even wider and she hurried up to the counter. “Oh my gosh,” she asked the bored teenager running the booth, “how do I win one of those fish?”

“You gotta knock three statues down,” The teenager mumbled around her mouthful of gum, raising one lazy finger to point at the setup. “It’s five gold for three balls.”

“Okay, I’ll play!” Dhashi threw down her gold, collected the balls, and tossed them with zero skill at the wood statues stationed in rows. One of the balls managed to hit, knocking one statue down, but the other two flew too wide. The teenager yawned and tossed a floppy lock of dyed black hair out of her eyes. “Too bad,” she said woodenly. “Want to go again?” Dhashi pursed her lips and slammed down another five gold. “Yes!”

Miss. Miss. Hit? No, miss. Miss. Miss. Dhashi exhaled furiously, glaring at the traitorous, clearly rigged game. Still, she set down another five gold, and then another, and then yet another after that. As before, she missed most of the time and failed to knock down three statues even when she did hit. After each attempt the teenager would repeat in the same disaffected tone, “So close. Want to try again?” and Dhashi would throw down her next five gold. She went to do this a final time… and found her wallet empty. Her eyes filled with disappointed tears. Her bottom lip trembled entirely of its own accord. All she wanted was one little fish… She’d never had a pet before…

“Oh good lord,” Ro, fried dough in hand, had been watching this pitiful display for some time. The tears were too much even for her, though, and she dug out five gold. “Here, take it, just… don’t cry.” She set the gold on the booth’s counter and Dhashi wiped away her tears, gazing up at the jenasi with awe. “Really?” she asked, sure this must be a trick of some kind; Dhashi knew she wasn’t exactly Ro’s favorite person, and certainly not high enough in her esteem to warrant such a gesture. But Ro waved at the proffered gold and went back to eating her fried dough. “Yes, really.” Dhashi stared at the game uncertainly, then shook her head. “I’m too nervous!” She grabbed Ro’s free arm and tugged her forward. “Will you do it? I keep missing.”

“What? Oh, bloody hell,” Ro transferred her dough to her other hand, picked up one of the balls, and tossed it at the game in one fluid, careless motion. She hit one of the statues dead on, and as it tumbled down it took two others with it. Dhashi squeaked in triumph; the teenager clapped slowly, snapping her gum. “Congrats,” she sighed. “Which one do you want?”

“Um…” Dhashi stared up at all the bowls, unable to decide which fish she liked most. Then she knew. “The saddest one, please,” she requested, knowing the prettier, flashier fish would all find homes before the end of the festival. The teenager rolled her eyes but did bend down to pull out a dusty bowl. Inside a betta fish swam in idle circles, its scales a dull brownish-green that matched the algae growing on the inside of the glass. It was, admittedly, not a very lovely or lively fish; yet Dhashi accepted the proffered bowl like it was filled with gold, hugging it to her chest. “I’ll name you… Charlie!” She beamed up at Ro. “Thank you thank you thank you thank you!”

And that is the story of how Dhashi the magical girl warlock aasimar found her familiar, Charlie the depressingly bland betta fish.

#2060

Posted on January 28, 2018 by onlyfragments

Dhashi dreams of a lightless corridor. Even her highly sensitive aasimar eyes can detect no light, and only her outstretched hands touching dry, flat stone tell her she is hemmed in on two sides. The hairs on her neck tingle and she walks carefully forward, hoping to find an intersecting wall against which to put her vulnerable back. The walls seem to curve slightly as she walks and around the bend she begins to detect a faint orange glow. Foreboding settles heavy and cold in her stomach at the sight; she freezes, heart hammering in her chest and temples, but a sound like chains rattling behind her drives her forward again. She sprints down the dim corridor, one hand trailing against the stone wall, and with another turn suddenly bursts out into a fierce red light.

“Pop… Dad… no!”

The corridor is gone. Dhashi stands in a clearing lit red by the flames consuming the nearby farmhouse and, farther back, the fields of crops. At her feet lay her fathers, their throats cut and torsos impaled. The wide pool of blood seems to flicker and ripple in the firelight. Tears stream down Dhashi’s cheeks at the sight but terror holds her in place, unable to move either toward her slain family or away from the carnage. She can only sob, horrified, and urge herself to wake up.

The hot, dry wind carries the sound of a low chuckle to Dhashi and she finally tears her gaze away to find its source. A figure stands on the deck of the farmhouse, apparently unbothered by the surrounding inferno. It wears heavy black robes which obscure its figure, as well as thick bandages across its face. Seeing Dhashi’s attention, it smiles through a gap in the bandages, a wide gash of a grin with a mouth full of needle-like teeth, and speaks in a rasping, sibilant voice the girl cannot understand. Through other gaps in the bandages red eyes begin to open and focus on Dhashi, slitted pupils blown wide as they bulge.

The figure raises a hand and a crushing weight closes around Dhashi’s slim body as if an invisible fist has gripped her. Its arm lifts and she mirrors the motion, rising into the air as the grip tightens. She kicks desperately, unable to breathe with her chest so constricted, her vision darkening at the edges. Somewhere, distantly, a raven crows.

Dhashi woke with a cry, her cheeks and collar soaked with tears. Beside her, Row also jerked awake, hand moving automatically for her staff. From the jenasi’s unsteady breathing and jumpy nerves, it was easy to see she had been visited by a nightmare of her own as well.

#2055

Posted on January 18, 2018 by onlyfragments

The Power of ~*~ Friendship ~*~

“I need your help!”

Dhashi would have helped the pretty dryad no matter what, because helping people in need is the right thing to do, but the compulsion spell convinced Ilkan and Row faster than her puppy-dog eyes would have alone. The three therefore set out to retrieve the magical item which would help Mali the (apparently kind of careless) dryad heal her dying tree. As they walked down the forest path, they passed signs of the tree’s effects; everywhere plants grew brown and stunted, and black pitch oozed down the trunks of many trees. The cute woodland animals who had flocked to Dhashi earlier were nowhere to be seen now, and the only bird calls heard were those of distant crows.

Finally, they reached a set of worn stone stairs which lead to a sparse hilltop. There they found the three intersecting fairy rings, just as the dryad had said, with the rune-covered stones standing in each. The first stone bore the word ‘book’, the second ‘shield’, and the third ‘sword’. Where the circles intersected were three smaller stones, almost like altars. These bore the rune for ‘friendship’. In the center of all three sat an even smaller stone with the rune for ‘flower’.

“So,” Row tapped her staff on the ground as they stared at the stones, “what now?”

“Um…” Dhashi shrugged hesitantly and nodded toward the book stone. “I guess we could try… putting a book on it?” She reached into her pack and produced one of the diaries taken from the followers of Bezos. Standing on her tip toes, she just managed to set it on top of the stone. The runes began to glow faintly. “Okay, progress!” She turned to the next stone and set her shield atop it, but nothing happened. “Maybe it’s a metaphorical shield?” she hazarded. “Something that protects?” Row’s hand went to the pendant of the goddess Selune hanging around her neck. Wordlessly, she removed the necklace and set it on the stone. The runes glowed brighter. Row’s scimatar then lit the runes of the ‘sword’ stone and a possibly magical breeze drifted over the hill. Dhashi clapped and bounced in place. “Yay teamwork! Okay, what’s next?”

The party turned to considering the smaller stones which bore the ‘friendship’ rune. “Maybe they represent us,” Row suggested. “Ilkan, you’re certainly not a book. You could be the friendship of sword and shield. Dhashi, you could be book and shield, and that would make me… book and sword.” Each stepped into their respective intersection; the wind increased and the air tasted of ozone. Dhashi gave a victorious bounce. “Yes! We are so gonna save this forest!”

With six stones down, the final one seemed easy. They gathered mountain wildflowers growing at the edge of the hill and placed them on the middle stone. The magical wind picked up again, but this time to gently blow the flowers off the stone. “Okay,” Dhashi frowned. “Maybe it’s a different kind. Can anyone make a folded paper flower?” Row grimaced but nodded. “I can try…” Dhashi handed her a piece of Hello Kitty themed parchment and the jenasi folded it into a little pink petaled flower. This time the wind didn’t knock it off – a little blue flame burst from the stone and turned the paper flower to ash. Row pursed her lips. “Well fine.” The party returned to considering the fickle stone. And considered. And considered. And considered.

“Bloody hell,” Unable to roll her eyes, Row gestured derisively to emphasize her frustration. “We probably have to hold hands or something disgusting like that.”

“OOH!” Before Row could take it back, Dhashi reached across to grab her companions’ hands in a surprisingly strong grip. “Go on!” she urged. “Hold hands, just try it!” Equally uncomfortable, Ilkan and Row grudgingly took hold of as little of each other’s hands as possible. To Row’s eternal chagrin, the definitely magical wind swirled even faster around the center stone and the three adventurers felt a massive pulse of magic sweep through them. With a burst the pressure and wind died away, leaving in their place a single white jasmine flower laying atop the stone.

“OH MY GOSH. We did it! Our friendship solved the puzzle!” Dhashi pointed to the flower. “I bet that’s what the dryad needs to heal her tree!” As she carefully collected the faintly glowing flower, Row and Ilkan remained silent, each desperately pretending nothing had happened. The endeavor was to be pointless, however, because Dhashi would never let them forget that friendship and teamwork had saved the day.

The end!!

#2051

Posted on January 10, 2018 by onlyfragments

“Dhashi, breakfast!” At the foot of the stairs, Joe listened for his daughter’s reply but met only silence. Stepping onto the first riser, the halfling called again, “Dhashi, breakfast!” with what he was sure was a much sterner tone. The teenager still didn’t stir. Finally, his husband Paul pushed him out of the way and bellowed up the stairs, “Dhashimri, you get your butt down here or you’ll be having dried turnips for breakfast instead of waffles!”

“Coming, Dad, coming!” Rapid footsteps heralded Dhashi’s graceless arrival in the kitchen, hair unbrushed and pajamas still askew. Neither father could blame her, though; of course she would want to sleep in on her last morning at home, especially when she’d be sleeping on the cold, hard ground tonight. Waffles, however, especially those served with extra strawberries and whipping creme to mark the occasion, could always be relied upon to get Dhashi out of bed. As could the threat of turnips.

“So are you nervous, sweetheart?” Paul asked as they ate, watching his daughter add sprinkles, powdered sugar, butter, and syrup to her waffles. “No,” she replied between giant bites, “just excited!” She went back to attacking her plate as if she hadn’t sneaked down to the kitchen for a midnight snack just hours before. “Because I was going to say,” her father continued as if she hadn’t spoken, “if you are, there’s no shame in waiting a few more days… or months…” Dhashi’s head shot up with a look of horror and she swallowed her current bite. “No, Pop! It has to be today! The oracle said the morning of the first new moon after my sixteenth birthday. If I don’t leave today, I might miss my magical destiny!” Her bright blue eyes wavered with unshed tears, and despite caring for the aasimar girl for almost all of her sixteen years neither father could tell if she was faking them or not.

“Joe,” Paul set his hand over his husband’s, giving it a sympathetic squeeze, “we talked about this…” Joe sighed and gave his husband an equally watery smile. “I know, I know. It just feels like I blinked and now she’s all grown up! The house will be so empty without her.”

“Our pantry won’t be,” Paul winked at his daughter as she loaded another waffle onto her plate, and even Joe managed to laugh.

– – –

“Do you have everything?”

“Yes, Pop,”

“You have your waterproof cloak?”

“Yes, Pop,”

“And extra socks?”

“Yes, Pop,”

“And parchment to write to us?”

“Yes, Pop, yes! I have everything!” Dhashi slumped in exasperation, almost capsizing herself with the weight of her pack. “Look at the sun – at this rate it’s going to be noon before I leave!” Joe chuckled and pocketed the extensive packing list; he had checked her bag three times already anyway. “Okay, okay,” he conceded. “If you’re not too grown up, can you give your old pop one last kiss?”

“I won’t be gone forever,” The girl rolled her eyes with a teenager’s self-conscious smile, but dutifully bent down to give her father a kiss and a hug. After he had nearly squeezed her in half, despite being half her size, she turned to Paul. “Here’s a snack for the road,” he said, depositing a cloth wrapped package into her expectant hands. “Be safe, okay? And remember, not everyone’s so nice as the folks around here.” Dhashi gave him another eye roll, fidgeting with eagerness to be off. “I knoooow, I know.” They hugged, Paul slipped a few extra gold pieces into Dhashi’s dress pocket, and she stepped back with a quick wipe of her eyes.

“Okay,” Dhashi took a deep breath and turned toward the waiting road. “This is it: the first step of my new adventure!” She waved one last time to her adoptive parents, grasped her staff, and started down the path to fulfill her magical girl destiny.

#2048

Posted on January 4, 2018 by onlyfragments

In which a familiar face returns…

Our new Dnd characters are in trouble, folks. We have Ilkan the goliath, Ro the blind fire jenasi, and Dhashi my magical girl aasimar. During their first big quest the trio got themselves cursed by an evil god trying to come back into the world. To break the curse they need to obtain blessings from all the other gods. They started with Amaunator, who required a special stone be returned to him before he would give his blessing. According to Amaunator, the stone was being studied by the local university, so our fearless heroes went to check out the geology department. They stopped by the first open office they found, but no one was inside.

The Great DM in The Sky: You see a name plaque with a very long, incomprehensible name on it. It appears to be in the tiefling language, which none of you can read.

Me: YESSSSSS.

My wife: Oh no…

A door on the back wall opened and a young tiefling woman popped her head in. Remr, true to form, looked completely frazzled yet unfailingly cheerful as she spotted her guests. “Oh!” She smiled at the strangers. “Hi! I didn’t know you were waiting! Um.” She glanced back into the lab beyond, where dark smoke was starting to drift out the door. “Let me just deal with this one little thing and then I’ll be with you!” She disappeared back into the lab, followed by several loud crashing sounds. Quietly to Ilkan, Ro asked, “Does she look as ridiculous as she sounds?” Ilkan nodded. Dhashi, ever on the lookout to help someone in need, called out, “Do you need assistance?”

“Oh, yes, that would be lovely!” Appearing back in the doorway, Remr gestured into the lab. “So, uh, you,” she pointed to Dhashi, “put out the fire. And watch for the rats, they’re venomous. But don’t hurt them! I’m studying them.” As Dhashi moved to put out the fire, Remr spotted Ilkan and pointed to him. “Tall! Rats. They might not kill you. Or maybe just more slowly. Actually, if you do get bitten, let me know; I want to study the venom’s effects on you. Could I possibly have a sample of your skin?” Ilkan wisely stayed quiet but did assist. Ro did nothing, unless you count muttering sarcastically under her breath. That appears to be her superpower.

After the fire had been stamped out and at least most of the venomous rats returned to their cages, Remr focused back on her guests. “So! Hi! Great to meet you all. What can I do for you?” Dhashi explained the situation and Remr, again true to form, agreed to help without questioning any part of their story. “But,” she added, “I don’t actually work in this department. I’m just sort of borrowing this office for now.” When she received three varying looks of distrust and confusion, she added, “I just, you know, sometimes I need to borrow an office so I just bring my name plate with me and it’s fine, no one minds. It’s cool.

“…Do you even work here?” Ro asked, half certain the tiefling was some random crazy person who had wandered into the university from the streets. Remr laughed, clearly not catching the intended insult. “Of course! Come on, let’s find your fancy rock.” She led them to the main lab, where they found the stone resting on a velvet cushion inside a glass case. Without hesitation, she took hold of the glass case, tossed it on the floor with an explosion of glass, and handed the stone over to Dhashi with a grin. “Here you go! Good luck on your quest, and do come visit sometime!”

“She was nice,” Dhashi said with a smile as they made their way back to the temple. If Ro had had eyes, she would have rolled them.

#2035

Posted on December 8, 2017 by onlyfragments

I’m starting another DnD session and so I wanted to create another character, that way I don’t mix story lines up. I am therefore pleased to present to you… Dhashi, my ~~anime magical girl~~ aasimar warlock! She is a precious bundle of joy whom the real world is probably going to crush. I’m so excited.

Name: Dhashimri (“Dhashi”)
Age: 16
Gender: Female
Race: Aasimar
Class: Warlock
Alignment: Lawful good
Level: 1
General physical description: About 5’6″, slim and slightly muscular (from helping on her parents’ farm), long silver-blond hair, pale skin, bright blue eyes (which may indicate she’s of a solar aasimar line)
Dress style: Whatever the DnD version of pastel lolita would look like, so sugary sweet and really not very practical for an adventurer, probably; also, she has a staff that transforms her into her magical girl outfit for fighting bad guys, the outfit being blue and white with white wings (she can’t use them to fly, though, they’re just pretty anime wings)
Religion: Like many aasimar, she follows the Mulhorandi pantheon (which just so happens to be based on Kemeticism, HOW COINCIDENTAL UNIVERSE), with Ma’at as her otherworldly patron
Weapon of choice: She uses a staff called the Staff of Justice, which was given to her by Ma’at; the staff can be used to transform into her magical girl outfit, as a staff, or as a kind of bow
Hobbies: Thwarting evildoers, making friends, helping people, being positive, baking
Random skills: Can cry on command, knows a lot about farming, is good with animals and kids
Strongest positive personality trait: She remains positive and solution-oriented in nearly any situation, and is happy to do whatever is needed of her to get the task done; she’s also a very loyal and protective friend
Strongest negative personality trait: She takes people at face value without questioning their motives or being otherwise suspicious of people who seem overly nice, and has a hard time accepting betrayal
Sense of humor: She laughs often and about many things, and enjoys puns; she does not approve of “dirty” humor, though, especially if it’s degrading to a group of people or done at the expense of someone’s feelings
Temper: She’s very hard to truly anger, and when betrayed or otherwise tricked she tends to get more sad and disappointed than angry
Consideration for others: She assumes the best of most people and is always ready to lend a helping hand, be it to rescue someone from a dragon’s lair or help an old lady safely cross the street
How other people see her: It depends on your own personality; jaded or cruel people will find her annoyingly optimistic and cutesy, but more generous people will think she’s very sweet and admire her dedication to doing good in the world
Opinion of herself: She strongly believes her destiny is to defeat evil wherever she finds it, but her conviction doesn’t make her arrogant or otherwise full of herself; she just honestly believes she will triumph over evil because she is kind-hearted and believes in the essential goodness of the world
Background: Something happened to her parents when she was an infant, and she was taken in by a same-sex halfling couple (tiny gay dads!) who raised her on their farm; they didn’t know at the time that she was an aasimar, but when her heritage became obvious they made sure to raise her knowing who and what she was, and encouraged her to seek her destiny beyond their tiny farm
Philosophy of life: Good will always triumph over evil if you try hard and have faith!
Most important thing to know about this character: She may be young and childish in some ways, but she is definitely serious about her destiny and will go to great lengths to accomplish her goals

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Other boring info for me to remember
Charisma: +2
Wisdom: +1
Armor: Light leather
Weapons: Besides her staff, two daggers and 20 “bolts” for her staff-turned-bow
Other items: Component pouch (for spell stuff), scholar’s pack (Book of Lore, bottle of ink, pen, parchment, bag of sand, small knife); also a piece of parchment which, when you draw someone on it and roll dexterity, can reveal the person’s deepest secret
Cantrips: true strike, sword burst
Spells: unseen servant, comprehend languages
Skills: Religion, Investigation
Vision: See 60 feet in dim light as if daylight, and in darkness as if dim light
Resistance: Necrotic and radiant damage
Languages: Common, Celestial, Halfling
Hit Dice: 1d8 per level
Hit Points at 1st Level: 8 + Constitution modifier

#2031

Posted on November 30, 2017 by onlyfragments

I’m starting another DnD campaign, so I decided to design my new character based on a character creation tarot spread from Tarot Sybarite. The reading ended up matching the character I was considering anyway, which I took as a sign that I should definitely use her. So I’ll be playing an aasimar warlock “magical girl” whose pact is with a celestial being. Think Cardcaptor Sakura meets DnD meets my need to create irritating but loveable characters. Personality details below, as per the reading:

Character archetype
The card: The Hanged Man
Interpretation: This character is on a journey to expand her worldview, and she is willing to put herself in uncomfortable or dangerous situations to do so. She seeks knowledge of the world, both good and bad, and is prepared to change and grow as necessary from these experiences. She has thus far lived a sheltered life, and has much to learn about the realities of the world.

Best personality trait
The card: The Page of Swords
Interpretation: This character is unfailingly honest and values truthfulness and kindness. She strives to be analytical and flexible in order to make the right decisions, but she does not fear or hide her emotions either. She feels confident that she is on the right path, and this confidence makes her a very direct, forthright person. Part of this honesty is her youthful, idyllic worldview, though, which may change as she comes to understand life is full of gray areas.

Worst personality trait
The card: 4 of Swords
Interpretation: This character never rests, as she feels she must always be acting to do right and correct wrongs. She doesn’t recharge her batteries or give herself time to meditate on the experiences she’s had and the lessons she’s learned. This can obviously be harmful to her, as she only has so much energy, but it can also be harmful to her party – or just make her really irritating to be around!

Motivation
The card: 2 of Pentacles
Interpretation: This character needs to learn to balance multiple obligations. She wants to help everyone and fix everything, but that isn’t always possible. Trying to do so stretches her too thin and causes her to neglect herself or put her party in danger. She’ll have to prioritize her ideals, which will cause a lot to internal conflict.

Goal
The card: Death
Interpretation: This character hopes to enact radical positive change in the world. Right now her worldview is very black and white, and she believes good can triumph permanently over evil. She’ll seek that goal until her experiences teach her otherwise. This radical change to her worldview and morality will be another outcome of the Death card as well.

#2012

Posted on October 23, 2017 by onlyfragments

[In celebration of my recent wedding to a fellow party member, our great DM in the Sky came up with a wedding one-shot. Details (albeit scant ones) below; we spent the session alternately laughing hysterically and gagging at how gross the villain was. Our DM could hardly stand to play him!]

At the start of the session, the party was exploring the Lunanovan solstice festival. Upon hearing people in the crowd screaming “basilisk!”, Remr took off into the crowd and found the sorceress Serafina sitting with Eli the basilisk. She sat with them for a while, feeding Eli bits of raw meat provided by Serafina, until it was time to attend the royal feast. At the feast, Remr was seated next to a human man who seemed to be charming everyone around him. He struck up conversation with Remr, saying he was familiar with her family and asking after her sisters and mother. He was apparently very rich and lord of some fancy sounding place (he had a sleezy French accent, of course). Before he left for the evening, he gave her his card, which included a small personal sending stone in case she wanted to keep in touch. It was all very slimy, and we’ll refer to him from now on as Fuckboy. (I should note that Serafina was at the party and seemed very perturbed by this; I hope it’s because she likes Remr and not because she wanted Fuckboy’s number.)

After Fuckboy left, Remr got slightly tipsy and eventually had to be escorted out to the balcony by Never after changing all the toothpicks on the banquet tables into tiny snakes. Once there, Never noticed a strange cloudfront looming in. Then an even stranger black cloud rushed past them and when they looked again, Remr had vanished. Mild panic ensued. In the course of figuring out who had kidnapped Remr (spoiler alert, it was Fuckboy!) and where he had taken her (his private island, gross) thanks to his bitchy sister, whom they managed to capture, the party had to search Remr’s room to find a map to the island and her feather token.

Let me take a moment to share my description of Remr’s room. This is what my party had to deal with:

“The door opens on a room that looks like someone has inhabited it for years, not mere months. Piles of books and parchments litter the floor and most surfaces. Any spaces not covered by research materials are covered by other odds and ends – melted candles, bits of charcoal, half-finished cups of coffee, weird collections of objects that look like tiny scientific experiments, etcetera. The bed has been stripped of blankets and its sheets are covered in ink and charcoal stains. On one wall is covered in, to quote our DM, some sort of “crazed chalk Illuminati drawing”, the kind with red string connecting different pictures and points on a map. Several somethings can also be heard skittering among the piles of mess.”

The party was understandably horrified and may stage an intervention in the future.

MEANWHILE, Remr found herself transported to a chateaux on an unfamiliar island. Fuckboy explained there that he likes “conquesting” women, which apparently involves kidnapping (though he said kidnapping is a “strong word”) them and forcing them to marry him. Setup for Remr’s wedding was already underway. Thus followed a rather emphatic argument, with Remr yelling about how she was definitely NOT GOING TO MARRY HIM because EWW and also SHE’S HELLA QUEER and Fuckboy explaining that she didn’t really have a say in it. He then locked her in a tower and sent two handmaidens to dress her. It’s very hard to forcibly dress a seven foot tiefling, though, and Remr was having none of it. Eventually Fuckboy had to cast Paralysis on her so the handmaidens could finish their work. Boo.

At this point the party, lead by Never, arrived on Bao’ru and snuck into the chateaux. They broke into the tower and faced off against Fuckboy and some guards while Remr tore off the dress (and was subsequently half-naked for the rest of the session). Her rescuers won, of course, because YAY NEVER! and everyone escaped on Bao’ru with an unconscious Fuckboy in tow. Upon arrival they tossed him in the dungeon with his aforementioned bitchy sister and agreed to basically forget they existed. Our heroes then retired to bed – with two exceptions.

Never snuck back down into the dungeons with the intent of getting in Fuckboy’s face one last time. Unbeknownst to them, Remr was also heading down to the dungeons. She heard their voice as she came down the stairs and paused to hear what they were saying. In fact, she just so happened to hear Never angrily defending her to Fuckboy and calling her a “very good tiefling.” Considering Never usually seems completely exasperated with Remr, she was overjoyed to catch that admission.

Remr hid as Never came back up the stairs, then made her way down to Fuckboy’s cell. After a little crowing about how she and Never are best friends, she then proceeded to do what she originally planned – throw firecrackers at Fuckboy and his bitchy sister.

#2006

Posted on October 13, 2017 by onlyfragments

Please find enclosed the most recent DnD shenanigans of my gay-ass tiefling Remr:

Having traded most of her weird specimens and loot for actually useful items, Remr found herself in a quandary. There’s someone she wants to romance, but they’re kind of odd and she wants to give them something special. Therefore, when the party’s halfling decided to go shake down criminals for a little fast cash after a (failed) assassination attempt at the Big Bad’s fancy ball, Remr decided to tag along. Still in her ballgown.
She looted some opium from the first confrontation, but never got anything else because after that she cast the Sticks into Snakes spell (she thought a snake would add to their threatening mystique) and everyone was so afraid of the tiefling in a torn ballgown carrying a giant snake that they ran away at the sight of her. Disappointed, she set the snake free (it immediately slithered into the nearest house, causing a small panic) and everyone retired to the local tavern to get hella drunk.
She accepted a free CD called the CD of Dark Souls from a creepy masked lady in an alley outside the tavern. She’s hoping her crush might find it interesting.
Later on, the party was accosted by a frantic sheep clutching a piece of parchment in its mouth. Since Remr is all interest and zero caution, she immediately read the paper, which happened to be a spell to talk with animals. The sheep then explained that it was a wizard who had been betrayed by his apprentice and needed to get his house and human form back. He said he was very wealthy, so Remr made a deal with him: the party would help him defeat his apprentice, and in return each person would be able to take one thing from his house. Again, Remr was focused on the chance to get some epic and preferably weird loot.
After defeating some other humans-turned-animals sent by the apprentice (from one of which she looted some grizzly bear claws for a possible necklace), the party (sheep wizard included) managed to sneak near the wizard’s tower. It’s important that I note here the location and form of the tower. Located in the Dark Woods outside the city, the tower was made of the trunks and branches of four gigantic live oak trees. It was comprised of three separate platforms and was, in general, pretty cool.
While their half-elf played the role of traveling missionary to distract the apprentice, the rest of the party broke into his study. When he returned (seriously considering converting to the half-elf’s moon-based religion), they captured him and attempted to get the two wizards to reconcile. This is known in some circles as “Dr. Phil-ing it”. It worked, miraculously, and the apprentice agreed to return the wizard to his original form. However, the wizard’s wand had been severely altered by the apprentice and when he attempted the spell, it… did not go well. The wizard was turned from a sheep into a blob of flesh. A very dead blob of flesh.
At this point the apprentice, horrified by what he had done, said he would go to the closest temple to convert and atone for him sins. Before he left, however, Remr reminded him of the deal struck with the wizard; they had, after all, helped him get his home back and reconcile with his apprentice. Rather numbed with guilt, shock, and horror, the apprentice told them to take whatever they wanted and left. Remr therefore claimed the treehouse itself as her one piece of loot (and also some “dank ass” lab equipment).
And that is how the party gained a cool Dark Woods headquarters in a random one shot about a sheep wizard.
Out of context quote: “Would you mind if I possibly turn your entire house into snakes?”

#1995

Posted on September 21, 2017 by onlyfragments

[The scene opens on the interior of a dim tavern, the name of which – Dragoneye Charlie’s – is painted above the bar in passably readable script. Judging by the dark windows and sparse remaining crowd, it’s nearly closing time. Only the regulars linger still, scattered among the bare wood tables and ill-lit corners, and even most of them have stopped ordering refills. Dragoneye Charlie himself stands behind the counter, idly polishing shot glasses as he keeps an eye on the two patrons still drinking at the bar. Despite their size, the tiefling and half-orc seem considerably tipsy. The tiefling, Remr, leans her elbows on the counter as Brutus, the half-orc, fights to keep his tears to a manly, albeit heartbroken, minimum. It is clear they have been here for a while.]

Brutus: I thought he was the one, okay? Like, deep down I knew he didn’t want anything serious, but I guess I thought it would be different with me, you know?

Remr [grimacing]: Oh, I know. And it’s never different. They’ll always leave you high and dry like a fuckin’… [she snaps her fingers] a fuckin’…

Brutus: Desert?

Remr: YEAH. Like a fuckin’ desert. Speaking of deserts, [she turns to Charlie and indicates their empty glasses] can I get another round over here?

[Dragoneye Charlie fills their glasses without comment.]

Brutus [staring into his glass]: I still have his yoga mat. Do you think I should let him know so he can come pick it up? It’s a nice mat. He probably wonders where it is. I should tell him.

Remr: No! Throw that thing away, man, like, just toss it. Make a clean break. It’s the only way you can move on. There are other fish in the sea. Other gay orc… fish. Like, so many, and you [she jabs Brutus’ chest with one finger to emphasize her point] could have any of them, because you are FABULOUS. No, wait, no, you know what? Forget about all those stupid fish. Dating’s for losers anyway. Who wants a person who’s, like, always around and supporting you and stuff? More time to discover miral… mircul… mir-AK-ulous scientific breakthroughs when you’re alone. [she chugs the remainder of her drink]

Brutus [confused]: I’m a baker.

Remr: Then more time to… I don’t know, invent better… pie. Hand pies. More time to invent better hand pies. [She holds out her empty glass to Charlie with a smile] More drink please!

Dragoneye Charlie [shaking his head]: I’m cutting you off.

Remr: But I’ve only had three!

Dragoneye Charlie: You’ve had six.

Remr [with much indignation]: …yeah, well… whatever, I’m a biologist, not a math-eh-muh-tician. Speaking of science, though, the process by which alcohol is fermented is fascinating on the molecular level, it really is. [she pulls a scrap of parchment and a piece of charcoal out of her pocket and starts drawing] You start with–

Brutus: Oookay. [he pats Remr’s shoulder with a giant hand] Let’s get you home.

Remr [blinking sleepily]: Oh. Okey doke. [she deposits a handful of coins on the bar and stands, or at least gets herself into a vertical position, albeit with a definite sway. Brutus, having weathered worse binges, hooks an arm around his companion and leads her out to the street with a minimal amount of wobbling. He deposits her at the door to her inn, where she revives a bit and slaps him on the shoulder in what she clearly intends to be a gesture of commiseration.]

Remr: Friendship’s all you need in life, buddy. Fuck that guy. Just you an’ me, it’s just you an’ me against the world. And science.

Brutus: Uh… thanks. [he pushes her toward the door] Get some sleep. And stop calling me in the middle of the night, okay?

Remr [attempting a combination of thumbs up and finger guns at the same time]: Call you in the middle of the night. Got it.

[She disappears through the door, just managing not to shut it on her tail. Brutus stares at the closed door for a second, contemplating how he got to this point in his life, then sighs and heads for his own home.]

#1991

Posted on September 9, 2017 by onlyfragments

[ The great DM in the sky told us to design masquerade outfits for our characters, so here is Remr being predictably nerdy and over the top. ]

“Companions, hello!” Remr hurried down the last few stairs to where her party waited and spun in a circle to show them her masquerade costume. Beneath her mask, she grinned with glee. “Get it?” The tiefling seemed very proud of her creation, and it was both easy and yet incredibly difficult to see why. On the one hand, her dress was clearly of very fine quality; black velvet, silk, and lace cascaded over the large black crinoline cage beneath, and at each bunching little jewels glimmered. Her mask, too, was of fine black lace and glittering jewels, and the raven feathers that framed it extended back to encompass her horns and wrap into her carefully spiked hair. On the other hand, though, the dress was also torn to shreds. The bodice was fine, neatly sewn and studded with rhinestones, but at her waist things seemed to have gone rather south. The front of the dress had been torn back completely, revealing the hoop skirt beneath. Its ragged edges tapered back to Remr’s sides, where the fabric devolved into a shredded mess that just brushed the floor. Likewise, Remr’s black sleeves and tights also sported tears halfway down and ended in unraveling strings. It was quite possibly the most expensive wreck any of them had ever seen.

Never and Tevasshus exchanged their usual Remr is being weird again look, but did not answer. Solena, still new to the group, smiled encouragingly yet waited for someone else to speak. Finally, Tarcella took the bait. “Get what? Did your dress lose a fight with a wolverine or something?”

“No, silly. I’m the concept of entropy!” Remr held out her arms as if a better display of the outfit might render further explanation unnecessary. She received only blank stares. Sighing, she lowered her arms. “I know what you’re thinking; this is way too oversimplified to really represent a complex thermodynamic system. I was worried about that. I almost went with a costume that represented the known universe using the mask as the sun and radiating outward and downward through the cloth of the dress based on the distances between objects in space, but I couldn’t get the calculations to accurately account for all the folds and pleats in the fabric. So I thought of this but then I wasn’t sure if people would understand that I was going for more of an artistic representation of the common understanding of entropy, you know, as in order versus disorder, versus the obviously more accurate and more recent understanding of entropy as it relates to quantum theory and statistical thermodynamics.” She frowned uncertainly. “Do you think anyone will call me on it?”

Silence. Blinking. More silence.

“Uh,” said Tarcella.

“…what the fuck,” said Never.

“I think you look great!” said Solena, despite having understood none of what Remr just explained.

“Oh good, thank you,” Remr, visibly relieved, hugged the cleric and then gestured toward the door with an excited grin. “Shall we be off, then?”

#1990

Posted on September 7, 2017 by onlyfragments

Yo, okay, even if you don’t read my sporadic updates about my DnD character Remr, Best Scientist Ever!!, you need to read this one cause it’s hilarious. Here goes:

While exploring in the Lunanovan archives, Remr found the Sanderson Sisters’ book (yes, from Hocus Pocus) and with it she learned the Sticks into Snakes spell (SHE IS SO EXCITED) and the spell to turn someone into a cat. She hasn’t had a chance to try them yet, but you can bet she will at her very first opportunity.
While in the archives, she also met a half-elf cleric named Solena who said her goddess had sent her to the city to find the party and journey with them. Without asking questions or really any hesitation whatsoever, Remr invited her to join the party and basically gave all their secrets away. What can I say? She likes to assume the best of people.
She visited Fantasy Costco (where all your dreams come true!) and traded her collection of various body parts (including a frost giant’s toe) and somewhere between 25-30 live bug specimens for the following discount items:
- A Diadem of Brothaurity, which gives the wearer the eloquence of a diplomat; however, when wearing the diadem you can’t stop calling everyone “bro”.
- One wooden banana-shaped walkie talkie; if you call its companion walkie talkie, you wake up a cranky half-orc named Brutus who will yell at you for waking him up. If you remain on the line, he will then complain to you about his life. There is also a 2% chance your walkie talkie will ring and it will be Brutus calling to complain about his life to you.
- A Belt of Pants, which gives the wearer control over an illusion with which you can look like you’re wearing any kind of pants you want, or no pants at all.
Thanks to Solena, who speaks Orc, Remr was able to learn that Brutus lives in the merchant market in the city of Tssun. He just broke up with his boyfriend because his boyfriend didn’t want a long-term relationship. Brutus is, therefore, trying to get back into the dating scene. Remr will definitely help him with that in the future.
Remr managed to get the entire party into Tssun, which is currently controlled by the Big Bad, by using the diadem and her university papers to bluff that she was someone very important, and the others were her servants. The guards therefore thought she was an advisor to the Big Bad and waived them not only into the city but into the Big Bad’s headquarters. When it was discovered that the person the party had come to kill was no longer in Tssun, Remr then managed to not blow their cover and the party left without incident.
I need to emphasize how really very impressive it is that Remr managed not to fuck any of that up. Like seriously. Her charisma is eight. EIGHT.

I also made the following decisions regarding her backstory:

The university she works for is called Telvira University. Its colors are blue, gold, and white. Its crest features a crossed feather quill and falling four-pointed star (both gold) on a blue background. Telvira is extremely difficult to get into, and the tuition is atrocious.
Remr’s family (surname N’Batshi) crest features two curving horns connected by four lines, which together make the stylized shape of a harp.
She is still in love with her childhood friend, a Tiefling named La’lua’t’rashi’li’lata’kyr’ova, but thinks La’lua wants nothing to do with her because she stopped answering Remr’s letters once they graduated the DnD version of high school. However, the real reason is because La’lua has a secret identity as a magical girl, and is afraid that her enemies will try to harm Remr if they know she loves her. Will these star-crossed lovers ever be together? Tune in next time!

#1986

Posted on August 30, 2017 by onlyfragments

The following is an exchange that 100% happened between my DnD character (Remr, female tiefling) and my girlfriend’s character (Never, nonbinary dragonborn). Or maybe we were out of character. Or maybe even we aren’t sure. Anyway…

Remr: And the hot chick.

Never: [confused] Who’s the hot chick?

Remr: You know, [gestures vaguely] the hot chick. With the pointy teeth.

Never: …Aurora?

Remr: [snaps fingers] Yeah! The hot chick.

Never: She has a name.

Remr: Yeah, “hot chick”.

Never: [patience waning] You can’t just call them Hot Chick 3 and 7.

Remr: Well, no. [holds up a hand to start counting on her fingers] Hot Chick 3 would be–

Never: No, no, just stop. [holds hand out to silence her] There aren’t even 7.

Remr: [thoughtfully] Actually, if you count–

Never: STOP.

Remr: :)

Also, here are some other recent hijinks!

The team got to ride on an airship, where it was learned that Remr has a sailor hat Tarcella gave her when they were kids. Tarcella named Remr her second in command on the ship because she just so happened to have read the schematics for fun. Remr then took out the hat to wear it, but it didn’t really fit on her head so she just kinda hooked it on one of her horns.
Later on when the ship was crashing, Remr and Tarcella both fell out of the front windows and would have fallen to their deaths in the ocean, but were saved at the last minute by Bao’ru.
During a brief rest in the jungle, Remr spent her time collecting specimens of new or interesting bugs. At some point she ran out of containers to put them in, so she started stowing them in Never’s bags and then eventually just put them on the dragonborn themself for safekeeping.

#1981

Posted on August 20, 2017 by onlyfragments

Having defeated the second witch queen without a single scratch to any of the party, the companions returned to the capital city and rewarded themselves with a brief respite. The events leading up to the battle had been extremely taxing, both physically and emotionally, and they had all earned some downtime. Predictably, Remr’s concept of downtime meant spending her waking moments deep in the labyrinth of the castle’s library and records vault, exploring for the forgotten tidbits of knowledge which only a historian can truly appreciate. Had the rest of her party given it much thought, they might have found it odd that Remr hadn’t shown up even once to bore them with the fine details of something old and useless, but each was firmly entrenched in their own thoughts and could be forgiven the oversight.

For her part, Remr would barely even let herself acknowledge the lingering memories which nagged at her as she explored the musty vault. Each fragile, dusty scroll requiring dutiful analysis put another brick in the mental wall between the tiefling and the things she had thought, but never spoken, right before the battle began. She wasn’t Never, after all, who had a bard’s gift for persuasive words; nor was she Tarcella, whose speech may have been rough but carried the weight and power of a wounded heart. She was only Remr, skilled in the writing of academic papers and giving of long lectures, and she had known during the showdown in the ice palace that she should stay silent.

Still, it was difficult, even among the comfort of books and candlelight, not to imagine what she might have said, had she been braver – or perhaps more foolish. She sympathized with Gliss’ anger and grief, after all, and being inside the physical manifestation of the witch’s pain had touched her deeper than she cared to admit. I understand, she might have said. I know what it’s like to lose someone because they stop caring about you. It’s wretched. It made me want to hide too. You must have loved her very deeply. It probably wouldn’t have helped – they had already murdered Gliss’ sister, after all – but she had still felt compelled to say something. It’s not too late to move on, maybe. You’re a hot witch bitch with a palace, you can do better, or I could probably set you up with this weird elf chick I know, you might like her.

It was all moot anyway, of course. Her own ice pick had delivered the final blow to Gliss’ frozen heart. Was that ironic? Remr sighed, dislodging fifty years’ worth of dust from the clutter around her, and decided she didn’t care. Honestly, she’d love to take her ice pick to her own chest to chip out the cold little shard of jealousy buried there the past two days. At least Gliss had been unashamed to openly mourn the love she lost and still coveted. She was obsessed, yes, and most definitely evil, but brave nonetheless to bear her heart so openly.

#1980

Posted on August 18, 2017 by onlyfragments

I want to tell you all a story about my DnD character, Remr. So sit back, relax, and let me paint the scene for you.

It was my birthday, and the great DM in the sky had ruled there would be a haunted house one-shot for the occasion. Our characters – Remr the tiefling scientist, Never the dragonborn bard, Tevasshus the near-silent monk, and Tarcella the inebriated halfling pirate – had located said haunted house and were exploring its many floors in hopes of freeing the souls of two dead children. Remr and Tarcella took the lead in searching each dusty, gloomy room, Remr out of pure enthusiasm and Tarcella because her hangover (and desire for loot) dulled her sense of fear. Never and Tevasshus followed behind at a cautious distance with weapons drawn.

Their search led them to the house’s basement, a labyrinth of long, dark passages cut into the stone foundation and echoing with an eerie chanting. Having already found strong evidence of cult activity and human sacrifice, not to mention a spectre and the clingy ghost children, the party moved cautiously. Even Remr, still in the lead, moved with uncharacteristic care as she poked her head into each corridor and empty room. Their relative luck thus far – Never had slain the only spectre in one hit – was making her cocky, though, and her mind was wandering to the scientific principles of the various undead subclasses as they approached the deepest and longest passage yet.

(Me: I check for traps.
DM: Go ahead and roll.
Me: *rolls* …never mind.)

Seeing no obvious enemies or obstacles, Remr stepped confidently over the threshold… …and broke through the false floor and into a pit trap. Despite the rotted nature of the wooden stakes, two still pierced her arm and leg and the others knocked the wind from her, broke several ribs, and left some spectacular bruises. Tarcella, quick thinking as always, pulled a coil of rope from her pack and tossed it down to Remr. Between Tarcella and Never (but mostly Never), the two pulled Remr out of the pit. She used a major healing potion to heal the wounds and was soon back to full health.

At this point, the party had to find an alternate way across the open trap. A small lip of stone remained between the wall and the edge of the drop, and it was this that the party would need to use. Tarcella, as the smallest and lightest, went first.

(Her: I’m going to inch my way around the trap.
DM: Roll for agility.
Her: *rolls* Shit.)

Despite her advantages, Tarcella slipped and fell into the pit. Thankfully, her size enabled her to fall between the stakes, where she sustained only minor damage. Grabbing the rope, Remr moved along the ledge to help her friend.

(Me: I’m going to go along the lip and toss the rope to Tarcella.
DM: Roll for agility.
Me: *rolls* ………motherfucker.)

Unfortunately, Remr slipped as well – and fell into the pit for the second time in like two minutes. While she didn’t injure herself nearly as badly as the first time, she did fall on top of Tarcella, which wasn’t great either. Never and Tevasshus, having shared a mighty eye roll, assisted the ladies out of the trap and everyone sang a nice rendition of “The Pit” from Parks and Rec before moving on.

The end.

#1978

Posted on August 14, 2017 by onlyfragments

“Come on, Remr,” La’lua teased as the arrow went wide from its target, “I know you can do better than that!” Remr groaned and slouched after the arrow where it lay harmlessly in the grass. Seeing the barely contained laughter on La’lua’s lavender face when she returned, the darker tiefling stuck her tongue out. “There was wind,” she argued. “And the planet… rotated too quickly.” This only seemed to make the laughter harder for La’lua to fight. “Whatever!” Remr threw the arrow and bow down with all the drama of her teenage years, tail lashing with anger and embarrassment. “This is a stupid skill anyway. I don’t need a bow to study basilisks.”

“It’s a skill you’ll need if you’re going to go on to ranger school,” La’lua reminded her, retrieving the abused weapons, “or whatever it is rangers do to become rangers.” She held the bow out to Remr with a conciliatory smile. “You’re going to have to learn it eventually. And besides, you’re getting better. Just… slowly.” Remr wanted to hold onto her anger, but the other tiefling’s sweet smile made her limbs go wiggly and her heart beat with a very different emotion. With a begrudging sigh, she took back the bow and stared down at its simple, inert form. “How do you make it look so easy?” she whined, imagining how elegant and powerful the same weapon looked in her friend’s confident grip. “Magic?”

“No, not magic, silly. Some things just come naturally to some people,” La’lua deflected the compliment with her usual humility and held out the arrow. “Don’t worry, I’m going to help you train until you’re the best archer at the academy.” Remr blushed, as she always did when faced with La’lua’s unwavering positivity. She took the arrow and tapped La’lua’s purple horns with her red ones affectionately. “Well, second best,” she corrected with a wink. La’lua winked and returned the gentle bump. “You’re too kind,” she demurred. “Now, let’s try that again – I think the planet has slowed its rotation a bit.

– – –

“Fuck, Remr, that’s like the fifth arrow that’s gone wide!” From her position on top of the bloodstained altar, Tarcella aimed her own bow and landed a direct hit to the shambling mound swinging at their companions. Remr glared as the monster roared in pain. “It’s the fourth, thank you,” she called over to the halfling. “And yes, I noticed. I am also in this creepy chamber full of water and chanting ghosts.”

“Just concentrate!” Tarcella had another arrow knocked and fired by the time Remr had retrieved her final arrow from its quiver and pulled back the string. Staring down the arrow shaft, Remr breathed in through her nose and out her mouth, trying to clear her mind. She narrowed her eyes, fixing on the center of the massive plant, and–

“Don’t worry, I’m going to help you train until you’re the best archer at the academy!”

–and fired wider than before. The arrow ricocheted off a stone wall and landed in the pool of murky water. Remr shook her head, rattled by the intrusion of a voice she hadn’t heard in years, and forced herself not to replay the rest of the memory. Instead, she threw down the useless bow, grabbed her ice pick, and jumped into the fray with a sudden fury that lent her speed and strength.

After the shambling mound had been reduced to piles of rotting plant matter, the party turned to follow their tracks out of the exorcised basement. As they walked, Tarcella elbowed Remr in the leg and flashed her a teasing smile. “Dude, why do you even have a bow?” she asked. Remr shrugged helplessly and returned the pirate’s smile with a self-deprecating one of her own. “Who fucking knows. I’m a ranger…?”

#1970

Posted on July 29, 2017 by onlyfragments

[ My DnD character Remr is a Tiefling with an overabundance of enthusiasm for science (and girls). Here’s more info on her! ]

Family:

Mother: Dia’deferde’t’mana’nbat’shi
Father: Beshu’ro’ferali’t’kuna’nbat’shi
Maternal uncle: Tao’rumi’fidat’e’kpali’nbat’shi
Oldest sister: Lilitu’v’ravi’nai’uwei’nbat’shi
2nd oldest sister: Fal’nua’l’shansi’ty’rina’nbat’shi
3rd oldest sister: Ker’lanu’nivora’tsinari’nbat’shi

Random factoids:

Surnames are passed down matrilineally in her culture, which explains why her father has the same surname as her unmarried maternal uncle. The N’Bat’shi family is held in very high esteem and often her last name alone can produce favorable results when necessary. However, Remr doesn’t abuse this social privilege and is often uncomfortable when people expect her to be like the rest of her family.
The person she’s closest to in her family is her uncle, an explorer who deals in antiques and other objects of value. He is the only one to have supported and nurtured her interest in science. After his death she inherits his feather token, which turns into a massive blue budgie.
Her university’s colors are navy, gold, and white. She tends to wear clothing in these colors out of loyalty to her employer and because she doesn’t have much fashion sense.
Her highest degree is in herpetology and she will rush to the defense of any lizard-like creature.

Recent shenanigans:

At a monastery’s sealed door which only a small number of people in the world would know how to unlock, she knocked and the door opened.
She climbed into a locked library in the monastery through a broken window to look for books and discovered quite a large number of dead bodies.
While the party’s monk was mourning the loss of the monastery’s residents and the rest of the party stood in respectful silence, she accidentally made a bunch of noise by knocking down some scrolls she was examining. In her defense, though, it lead to the discovery of some important monk thingy, which she gave to him as an apology.
She asked how her friend’s brother was; the answer was “dead”.
She took possession of a snake-motif dagger after this same friend looted it from an abandoned castle but was burned when trying to touch it. The dagger doesn’t burn Remr, theoretically because of her tougher Tiefling skin. The dagger is from one of the three witch queens the party semi-plans to kill.
After her party was dismissed from the king’s chambers, she stayed behind because she was distracted by looking out his telescope. This (paraphrased) conversation followed:
- King: Remr, we truly appreciate your assistance and my wife likes you very much, but–
- Remr: And I like your wife.
- King: Uh. Well, okay, yes, but–
- Remr: She is HOT. ;)
- King: Please get out of my office.
- Remr: Righto.

#1968

Posted on July 22, 2017 by onlyfragments

“Uncle Tao’rumi is here! Uncle Tao’rumi is here!” Remr’s shouting preceded her into the house by several seconds. As her daughter ran past to fling open the front door, Dia called after her, “What have I told you about running in the house?” And then, under her breath, “Can’t Rumi let me know ahead of time when he’s coming just once? Would a letter be so hard?”

The front door hung wide open as Dia made her way into the front hall. Her brother’s boisterous laugh echoed from the courtyard, along with her youngest daughter’s ecstatic squeals. “Higher, Uncle!” the toddler yelled as he tossed her in the air. “Higher, higher!”

“You’re getting too big, Remr!” Tao’rumi gave a great gasp as he caught her and set her on the ground. “I can barely lift you! Soon you’ll be as tall as Lili!” He winked at his sister as she came down the steps and they embraced with mutual affection – though Dia could not help smacking him with her tail as she scolded, “You could write beforehand, you know!” Tao’rumi flashed her his best older brother smile. “Of course I could, but why would I? The surprise is half the fun!”

“Uncle!” Remr tugged at his pants to regain his attention, but at that same moment her sisters appeared and her voice was lost in the resulting chaos of greetings. She barely managed to wait through the following round of gift giving (though she did love the purple and green crystal Tao’rumi had brought her), and the moment her family began moving inside she clung again to her uncle’s leg. “Uncle, Bao’ru! Bao’ru! You promised!”

“That I did, little one,” Tao’rumi glanced from Remr’s hopeful face to her mother’s suddenly stern expression. “It’s really very safe, Dia. You know I wouldn’t put her in any danger.”

“Oh, fine…” Dia waved her hand in weary acquiescence. “But be quick, the servants will have dinner ready shortly.”

“Bao’ru!” Remr jumped with glee as her uncle pulled a small gold feather token out of his pocket. He grinned and set it ceremoniously in her outstretched hand. “Okay, Remr, do you remember what to do?”

– – –

“I can’t believe you got it!” Remr grinned as Tarcella came climbing down the trellis, the gold feather in her hand just visible in the moonlight. Once on the ground, the halfling bowed with a flourish and a proud, albeit whispered, “I told you, I’m a pickpocketing master.”

“Yeah,” Remr jostled her friend with a gangly adolescent elbow, “because that will be useful in your future career.” Tarcella pushed her back with a mock scowl. “More useful than your dusty old books!” Remr stuck out her tongue. “If you insult my books one more time, I’ll make Bao’ru drop you!”

“Remr, Tarcella, where are you going so late at night?” The girls jumped at the voice, then glanced sheepishly up at the balcony from which Tarcella had just descended. Tao’rumi stared down at them, his arms crossed and a stern frown on his face. Remr faltered, seeking for the lie she hadn’t prepared, then replied uncertainly, “To… uh… stargaze?” Beside her, Tarcella winced. For a few agonizing seconds, Tao’rumi seemed to radiate disappointment. Then the smallest smile tilted his lips and he let out a long sigh. “Stargazing. Mhm. Well. Be back by dawn, all right? Or your mother will worry.” He winked and turned away.

Remr almost shouted, “Thank you, Uncle!” but managed to stop herself before she woke up the rest of the household and only whispered it. She turned to Tarcella with a grin. “Let’s go!”

– – –

“Greetings, companions!” Remr wended her way over to a table in The Moon’s Roost’s far corner where her party sat in various states of relaxation or vigilance. She set down her stack of books with a thud and took a seat on the bench next to Tarcella. “Our patroness was gracious enough to let me borrow a few more texts,” here Never and Tevasshus shared a look that said A few? She has a whole stack upstairs, “and they are utterly fascinating! Listen to this–”

“Madam Nbat’shi, pardon,” The tavern owner interrupted Remr just as she opened the first book, much to her companions’ relief. “Some mail came for you this morning.” He handed her a padded envelope and left. One side of the package was covered with writing and stamps, as if it had traveled to a great many places before finally finding her; the other side had only a single intricate crest in the center. Remr smiled as she tore open one end and pulled out a folded sheet of creamy parchment. “How lovely! My parents write so rarely. I wonder what the occasion is? Perhaps Fal’nua had her baby.” She fell silent as she unfolded and read the letter. Her smile sank.

“Remr, is everything okay?” Never, always the emotional gauge of the group, watched her with concern. She blinked at their words, then managed a weak imitation of her usual smile. “Yeah, no, sorry, everything’s fine.” She reached into the package and pulled out a small gold feather. Never and Tevasshus looked at it in incomprehension, but Tarcella leaned closer as she recognized the token. “Hey,” she said, “that’s–” Remr nodded, blinking rapidly. “Yeah.” Tarcella sat back. “But why would… oh. Sorry.” Remr shrugged awkwardly, closing her hand around the feather, then smiled up at her companions through watery eyes. “Hey, want to see something really cool?”

She lead them out of the tavern, through the winding city streets, then finally out of the city itself. She stopped in the empty grassland beyond and motioned for her companions to stay where they were. “Okay,” she said, winking at Tarcella’s knowing grin, “stand back. Here we go!” She tossed the feather into the air and moved to stand with her party as the gold token flew up, paused at the top of its trajectory, and instead of reversing direction burst apart in a bright, harmless explosion. As the dust settled they saw

a giant blue budgerigar.

“What. The. Fuck,” Never stared up at the colossal bird. Tevasshus’ mouth gaped. Even Tarcella looked in awe, having forgotten over the years just what a sight the budgie was. It was as tall as the city walls and as wide as a noble’s house. It stared down at them with an eye the size of a wagon wheel, then began combing the ground for food with its massive head. Remr hopped in place, gazing up at the beast as tears glittered on her red cheeks.

“His name is Bao-ru!”

#1963

Posted on July 8, 2017 by onlyfragments

[More details about my DnD character Rem’r, adorable tiefling and Best Professor Ever!!!]

Rem’r has three-toed feet (think the show Gargoyles), along with pointy teeth and nails.
Her tail is plain (meaning no spikes or anything) and swishes back and forth when she’s highly emotional (so…. like all the time).
Her favorite food is chocolate-covered coffee beans and she lives off them when trying to meet deadlines.
She tends to stay up all night and only sleep in brief naps during the day, or whenever her body forces her to.
She might have a caffeine addiction…
Her clothing is normal for a ranger type: Linen shirt, pants, no shoes (obviously), bracers, elven armor and cloak, etc [it’ll be color coded to her university’s colors, I just can’t decide what they are yet].
Speaking of her university, they have her on “extended sabbatical” because she comes from a very wealthy and influential family and they’re afraid to fire her.
Speaking of which, also, she’s either loved or hated by her students – loved by the passionate ones who don’t mind listening to a fascinating but rambling lecture which won’t be on the test; hated by the students who can’t stand rambling lectures or trying to follow erratic trains of thought because all they want to do is learn what will be on the test.
All of her written correspondences contain a crap!! ton!! of exclamation points!!!!!
She sometimes hangs stuff from her horns that she needs quick access to, such as a magnifying glass, and sticks writing implements in her hair.
I don’t know what kind of queer she is, but I think she gets flustered around pretty girls.
She hails from Hellas, a land with an environment and culture similar to the ancient Mediterranean. Her parents own a very nice villa there and move in the highest social circles.
Fun fact: fellow party member and pirate extraordinaire, Tarcella the halfling, also grew up in the Hellas area and the two knew each other as children.
Stuff in her pack: lots of half melted candle stubs, charcoal (from Tarcella, cause they’re BFFs), waterproof matches, compass, chocolate covered coffee beans, random crystals and rocks (one of which is from a witch turned to stone by a basilisk named Eli), pencils, quills and ink, a mysterious glass orb, several notepads and loose sheets of paper, like at least 5 books, empty potion bottles, some stuff she’s definitely forgotten about completely, a cursed half-orc fingerbone, a sample of some creepy tree mold, her official university documents, and clothes I guess.
Weapons: Rock hammer, ice pick, silver dagger, longbow
She is very pro-animal, especially those that she feels are wrongly maligned (like basilisks).
She’s a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, but is a very nice drunk
She’s an overachiever with an approval complex
She really wants to be friends with Never [our nonbinary dragonborn [aka my girlfriend] but she has no understanding of introversion and therefore no idea that she’s very loud and very overwhelming.
She recently obtained a Qualls Feather Token, which can turn into a giant bird (specifically a giant budgie) with the obedience of a golem. You can bet she has that bird out like 24/7, not for any reason other than it’s her giant bird friend. Name TBD.

#1959

Posted on June 30, 2017 by onlyfragments

“Mama, look!” Dia’deferde’t’mana’nbat’shi glanced down from where she stood arranging flowers for the night’s celebration – and right into the wide, emotionless eyes of a small garden snake. Its head bobbed up and down as her youngest daughter bounced on the balls of her feet to compensate for her toddler stature. “He’s like us!” she crowed, wiggling her red tail as evidence. “See?”

“Rem’r!” Dia drew back in disgust, both relieved and further repulsed to see the snake was alive, its tongue flicking in and out while it most likely plotted the invasion of her villa. “How many times have I told you not to bring anything that is alive, or was once alive, or that could become alive into the house?” She made as if to push her daughter back out the door, but hesitated before coming within striking distance of the snake. “Honey, just…” she gestured toward the door, “go put that thing back where you found it… or farther away than that. And wash your hands.” From beyond the snake’s questing head, Rem’r’s chubby face crumpled. “But he’s like us!” she repeated, trying with upstretched arms and tippy-toes to show her mother the snake. “He has a tail and we have tails! He’s family!”

“Guh!” Dia shuddered involuntarily. “We are not like that… thing!” She circled around her daughter, then gently pushed her toward the door. “Snakes aren’t related to tieflings. Snakes are scaly and slimy and… and creepy crawly little monsters!” At the threshold to the patio she stopped and gave her daughter a final stern nudge. “Do go put that gross thing back, Rem’r. It’s time to come inside anyway. The guests will be here soon.”

“Okay, Mama…” Rem’r cast her a last pouting look, then turned away. Dia watched her daughter trudge down to one of the far gardens, ensuring the snake was good and truly released, then turned back to her preparations. How Rem’r had turned out so odd, and so unlike her three older daughters, she had no idea.

– – –

“A basilisk! How wonderful!” While the rest of her party backed away in understandable caution, Rem’r moved toward the beast emerging lithely from the forest. It wore a hood much like a hunting bird’s, the better to protect them all from its stony stare – though chances were great that Rem’r would have approached the creature anyway without it. She let it sniff her hands, then walked in a circle to take it in from all angles.

“His name is Eli,” the sorceress explained, clearly pleased that at least one in the party didn’t fear a creature of the Fae Wilds. “He’ll come with you, as long as you are sure to feed him. Basilisks require quite a lot of food.” Nodding in agreement, Rem’r scratched the basilisk under the chin and cooed, “Eli, you’re such a sweetie. Who’s a good boy? You are! Do you wanna come with us to kill the big bad witch?”

“Are you actually petting him?” From a safe vantage point, Never attempted rationality. “You know what basilisks are, don’t you? And what they can do? We are not taking that monster with us; it’ll probably eat us before we’re halfway there!”

“HEY!” Rem’r turned an indignant and furious look upon the dragonborn, her tail lashing back and forth. “He’s not a monster! He’s a basilisk, and a very nice one at that. Basilisks are important apex predators and a crucial link in the food chain of–” She kept lecturing but the others had, as usual, already tuned her out and were settling the details of the agreement with the sorceress. She gave the general gathering a final glare and turned back to Eli. “You’re not a monster,” she reassured him. “You’re a very good boy and I bet without you the whole local ecosystem would collapse.”

#1951

Posted on June 14, 2017 by onlyfragments

I don’t have any writing to post today because I’m a terrible writer, so here’s all the cool shit my D&D character Remr, biologist extraordinaire!, has managed to do in just two… rounds? Meetings? Episodes? What do you– whatever. Here you go:

She asked a man wearing a mouth mask, “What’s wrong with your face?” in an attempt to figure out if he was contagious or not. When he was understandably offended, she mistook his reaction for a language barrier and proceeded to talk slowly and loudly and to mime the concept of contagious diseases. Her efforts were not appreciated.
She tried to talk to an owlbear in order to become friends with it so it wouldn’t attack the party. Did not work. Almost died.
She gleefully examined the owlbear’s giant nest full of droppings and owlbear pellets and other gross stuff, for research purposes.
She looted the skeleton of a club-footed child from a sarcophagus, for research purposes.
She traded the child skeleton for a cursed half-orc finger bone, also for research purposes.
She managed to deliver the killing blow to a frost wight after only taking three entire turns just to fire her lightning arrow.
She drank a sample of a mysterious potion while in FantasyCostco and turned temporarily green. She also lost 8 HP.
She took a sample of a mysterious and incredibly dangerous fungus, for research purposes.
She tugged on a horse leg she found under a bush in order to ascertain whether it was attached to anything. It was. The horse leg was attached to a dead horse and she consequently got the party attacked by dire wolves.
She accidentally lead her party into the fae wilds after promising some pixies the party would kill an old lady who is probably definitely a witch.
She has somehow become the charge of the party’s very long-suffering dragonborn bard (my fiance, so maybe it’s not so surprising…), and takes great delight in reminding him that they’re basically family. She makes him be her roomie and stays up all night telling him about her thesis (which has to do with the biological differences between centaurs and mermaids).
Also, she has become BFFs with the halfling pirate in the party and got drunk in a tavern with her and a bunch of sailors, for research purposes.

Look at this fuckin nerd.

Only Fragments

Love Letters to the Tar Pit

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