#2270

“Sweet, the brownies are ready,” With her left hand Mage pulled open the oven door and with the other she grabbed the hot tin inside, not bothering with a cloth since she couldn’t feel the heat through the obsidian-like claws on her hand anyway. Alice, watching from the kitchen table, rolled her eyes at the reminder of Mage’s alien appendage. “Weren’t you going to get rid of that thing?” she asked as Mage set the tin down between them. “It’s so creepy.”

“Oh, this?” Mage flexed her hand, the strange black material glittering in the light as she moved. “Uh, so it turns out I don’t… precisely… know how to get it off.”

“You don’t know?!” Alice jabbed an accusatory finger at her. “This is what you get for messing with unknown magic! What if that awful thing’s attached to you for the rest of your life? What if it keeps crawling up your arm until you’re just a big black statue?”

“Uuugh,” Mage slumped back in her chair with a stubborn pout. “You sound just like my dad.” When Alice only blinked back at her with a look of perplexity she raised one eyebrow. “What?”

“Nothing,” Alice shrugged but her expression didn’t change. “It’s just weird to think of you having family. I guess I just sort of assumed you like… clawed your way out of the dark core of the earth to become my nemesis or something.” Mage snorted, using the offending hand to scoop a chunk of hot brownie into her mouth. “You wish. No,” she continued around the mouthful, “I had family once and it was the literal worst. Exile was a fucking godsend. But since we’re on the subject, let me guess…” She licked clean one shiny claw and pointed back at Alice. “Oldest sibling of like ten or something, always mothered everyone, probably made them do their homework before they got to watch TV.”

“Actually,” Alice gave a small shrug and helped herself to a piece of brownie with far better manners than Mage had. “I don’t really have a family. I was sort of birthed out of the ocean fully formed, more or less.” It was Mage’s turn to blink dryly. “OH.” She threw her hands up in mock disregard. “Okay. Yeah, sure, that makes perfect sense. Born out of the ocean. Right.” They ate in contemplative silence for a moment before Mage shook her head with a disappointed sigh. “So… you’re the intrepid orphan and I’m the runaway princess? How cliche.”

Alice began to nod in agreement, then did a double-take. “Wait, you’re a what?”

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#1980

I want to tell you all a story about my DnD character, Remr. So sit back, relax, and let me paint the scene for you.

It was my birthday, and the great DM in the sky had ruled there would be a haunted house one-shot for the occasion. Our characters – Remr the tiefling scientist, Never the dragonborn bard, Tevasshus the near-silent monk, and Tarcella the inebriated halfling pirate – had located said haunted house and were exploring its many floors in hopes of freeing the souls of two dead children. Remr and Tarcella took the lead in searching each dusty, gloomy room, Remr out of pure enthusiasm and Tarcella because her hangover (and desire for loot) dulled her sense of fear. Never and Tevasshus followed behind at a cautious distance with weapons drawn.

Their search led them to the house’s basement, a labyrinth of long, dark passages cut into the stone foundation and echoing with an eerie chanting. Having already found strong evidence of cult activity and human sacrifice, not to mention a spectre and the clingy ghost children, the party moved cautiously. Even Remr, still in the lead, moved with uncharacteristic care as she poked her head into each corridor and empty room. Their relative luck thus far – Never had slain the only spectre in one hit – was making her cocky, though, and her mind was wandering to the scientific principles of the various undead subclasses as they approached the deepest and longest passage yet.

(Me: I check for traps.
DM: Go ahead and roll.
Me: *rolls* …never mind.)

Seeing no obvious enemies or obstacles, Remr stepped confidently over the threshold… …and broke through the false floor and into a pit trap. Despite the rotted nature of the wooden stakes, two still pierced her arm and leg and the others knocked the wind from her, broke several ribs, and left some spectacular bruises. Tarcella, quick thinking as always, pulled a coil of rope from her pack and tossed it down to Remr. Between Tarcella and Never (but mostly Never), the two pulled Remr out of the pit. She used a major healing potion to heal the wounds and was soon back to full health.

At this point, the party had to find an alternate way across the open trap. A small lip of stone remained between the wall and the edge of the drop, and it was this that the party would need to use. Tarcella, as the smallest and lightest, went first.

(Her: I’m going to inch my way around the trap.
DM: Roll for agility.
Her: *rolls* Shit.)

Despite her advantages, Tarcella slipped and fell into the pit. Thankfully, her size enabled her to fall between the stakes, where she sustained only minor damage. Grabbing the rope, Remr moved along the ledge to help her friend.

(Me: I’m going to go along the lip and toss the rope to Tarcella.
DM: Roll for agility.
Me: *rolls* ………motherfucker.)

Unfortunately, Remr slipped as well – and fell into the pit for the second time in like two minutes. While she didn’t injure herself nearly as badly as the first time, she did fall on top of Tarcella, which wasn’t great either. Never and Tevasshus, having shared a mighty eye roll, assisted the ladies out of the trap and everyone sang a nice rendition of “The Pit” from Parks and Rec before moving on.

The end.

 #1963

[More details about my DnD character Rem’r, adorable tiefling and Best Professor Ever!!!]

  • Rem’r has three-toed feet (think the show Gargoyles), along with pointy teeth and nails.
  • Her tail is plain (meaning no spikes or anything) and swishes back and forth when she’s highly emotional (so…. like all the time).
  • Her favorite food is chocolate-covered coffee beans and she lives off them when trying to meet deadlines.
  • She tends to stay up all night and only sleep in brief naps during the day, or whenever her body forces her to.
  • She might have a caffeine addiction…
  • Her clothing is normal for a ranger type: Linen shirt, pants, no shoes (obviously), bracers, elven armor and cloak, etc [it’ll be color coded to her university’s colors, I just can’t decide what they are yet].
  • Speaking of her university, they have her on “extended sabbatical” because she comes from a very wealthy and influential family and they’re afraid to fire her.
  • Speaking of which, also, she’s either loved or hated by her students – loved by the passionate ones who don’t mind listening to a fascinating but rambling lecture which won’t be on the test; hated by the students who can’t stand rambling lectures or trying to follow erratic trains of thought because all they want to do is learn what will be on the test.
  • All of her written correspondences contain a crap!! ton!! of exclamation points!!!!!
  • She sometimes hangs stuff from her horns that she needs quick access to, such as a magnifying glass, and sticks writing implements in her hair.
  • I don’t know what kind of queer she is, but I think she gets flustered around pretty girls.
  • She hails from Hellas, a land with an environment and culture similar to the ancient Mediterranean. Her parents own a very nice villa there and move in the highest social circles.
  • Fun fact: fellow party member and pirate extraordinaire, Tarcella the halfling, also grew up in the Hellas area and the two knew each other as children.
  • Stuff in her pack: lots of half melted candle stubs, charcoal (from Tarcella, cause they’re BFFs), waterproof matches, compass, chocolate covered coffee beans, random crystals and rocks (one of which is from a witch turned to stone by a basilisk named Eli), pencils, quills and ink, a mysterious glass orb, several notepads and loose sheets of paper, like at least 5 books, empty potion bottles, some stuff she’s definitely forgotten about completely, a cursed half-orc fingerbone, a sample of some creepy tree mold, her official university documents, and clothes I guess.
  • Weapons: Rock hammer, ice pick, silver dagger, longbow
  • She is very pro-animal, especially those that she feels are wrongly maligned (like basilisks).
  • She’s a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, but is a very nice drunk
  • She’s an overachiever with an approval complex
  • She really wants to be friends with Never [our nonbinary dragonborn [aka my girlfriend] but she has no understanding of introversion and therefore no idea that she’s very loud and very overwhelming.
  • She recently obtained a Qualls Feather Token, which can turn into a giant bird (specifically a giant budgie) with the obedience of a golem. You can bet she has that bird out like 24/7, not for any reason other than it’s her giant bird friend. Name TBD.