So often I am mistaken for the good one, the gentle one, the kind one. Compared to my lover’s ruthless nature I suppose I am, but that hardly makes me a safer bet. After all, though he fell for pride I fell for desire. In choosing to follow him that first time I chose to follow him forever, to serve him and raise no other love above him. Do not underestimate the power of desire to change and strengthen us. My holy fire no longer merely cleanses; it burns all I touch to ash. My radiance no longer merely illuminates; it blinds and sears. You think me benevolent but that is only because you have given me no reason to show you my wrath. Cross he who rules my heart and you will learn what devastation my kind soul can wreak.
This is your comfort zone, the lowest level where all is frozen, your lake of blood cradled in steel and glass. This is where you are most confident, here where the roles are set and the rules are simple: kill and be killed, love and be loved, devour and be devoured. All else has been cut away, it seems, so all you do now is run through this loop of madness and self destruction, replaying not even the same lifetimes or decades but the same handful of hours, the same limited heartbeats over and over. No other lands – no other lives – remain, just this one story with the same ending and no beginning. This has never been your prison; this is your haven.
Sometimes I manage to forget
(Just for a moment)
That I’m a shitty friend
And a shitty employee
And a shitty wife
And a shitty daughter
But then the knives come out and I remember again.
They’re a kindness, really;
If I get too comfortable I might start liking myself,
And we can’t have that, can we?
You will never be enough, you say, and I feel the truth of it like an ache in my bones. Perhaps this is why I feel such kinship with you. Is it possible we, two people who are each lacking so much, could together make a whole of true value? Of course not, and your mocking smile cuts through my hope like a fine blade. Yet I can almost feel your hand at the back of my neck like a benediction, can almost believe that this shared inability to be even just adequate stirs at least some fondness or attachment in you. Almost. But if we cannot be enough for those we love then certainly we cannot be enough for each other, or even ourselves. You get used to being a disappointment, you say. But when?
Am I your Abigail, then? Your collateral, your hostage, your bargaining-chip teacup? Certainly I bear your scars; certainly I cannot tell your harm from your love. If that’s the case, do you see any future in which I come back together after the inevitable shattering, or have you always planned to dangle my place in your world only as long as I’m of use? It’s okay, I don’t mind as much as I probably should. After all the years I’ve spent transcribing the exquisite, horrifying details of your folie a deux I’m just happy to play a role at all. I know it’s just a fantasy, this world in which the teacup mends itself and we three find some sort of harmony, but you know what they say: you can’t control with respect to whom you fall in love.
Another year, another book list! Some of this year’s gems included Dread Nation, The Rise of Kyoshi, An Unkindness of Ghosts, and the Jacob’s Ladder trilogy. On the other hand, The Abominable was frankly quite abominable. Only 23 books with queer characters, though, so I gotta do better next year!
- The Illustrated Man – Ray Bradbury
- The Machineries of Joy – Ray Bradbury
- The Spoon River Anthology – Edgar Lee Masters
- The Terror: A Novel – Dan Simmons
- S Is For Space – Ray Bradbury
- Long After Midnight – Ray Bradbury
- The October Country – Ray Bradbury
- The Ruins – Scott Smith
- The Cat’s Pajamas Stories – Ray Bradbury
- Death In The Ice: The Mystery of the Franklin Expedition – Karen Ryan
- The Egyptian Book of the Dead: The Book of Going Forth By Day – Dr. Ogden Goelet
- The Hobbit – J.R.R. Tolkien
- The Troop – Nick Cutter
- The Fellowship of the Ring – J.R.R Tolkien
- The Two Towers – J.R.R. Tolkien
- Dust (Jacob’s Ladder Book 1) – Elizabeth Bear
- The Return of the King – J.R.R. Tolkien
- Mutiny on the Bounty – Charles Nordhoff and James Norman Hall
- Men Against the Sea – Charles Nordhoff and James Norman Hall
- Pitcairn’s Island – Charles Nordhoff and James Norman Hall
- Chill (Jacob’s Ladder Book 2) – Elizabeth Bear
- The Archer’s Heart Book 1 – Astrid Amara
- The Archer’s Heart Book 2 – Astrid Amara
- The Archer’s Heart Book 3 – Astrid Amara
- Dread Nation – Justina Ireland
- An Unkindness of Ghosts – Rivers Solomon
- The House of Dust: A Symphony – Conrad Aiken
- The Fur Person – May Sarton
- Grail (Jacob’s Ladder Book 3) – Elizabeth Bear
- The Oathbound (Vows and Honor Book 1) – Mercedes Lackey
- Oathbreakers (Vows and Honor Book 2) – Mercedes Lackey
- The Ancient Egyptian Prayer Book – Tamara Siuda
- The Buying of Lot 37 (Welcome to Night Vale Episodes, Volume 3) – Joseph Fink
- Oathblood (Vows and Honor Book 3) – Mercedes Lackey
- Magic in Ancient Egypt – Geraldine Pinch
- Dreamdark Book 1: Blackbringer – Laini Taylor
- Revered and Reviled: A Complete History of the Domestic Cat – L.A. Vocelle
- Hathor: A Reintroduction to an Ancient Egyptian Goddess – Lesley Jackson
- The Wicker King – K. Ancrum
- Who’s A Good Boy? (Welcome to Night Vale Episodes, Volume 4) – Joseph Fink
- My Name Is Inanna – Tamara Albanna
- My Name Is The Morrigan – Tamara Albanna
- From a Cat’s View: An Anthology of Stories Told By Cats – Robin Praytor, et. al.
- Avatar the Last Airbender: The Rise of Kyoshi (The Kyoshi Novels) – F. C. Yee
- The Abominable: A Novel – Dan Simmons
- Sekhmet and Bast: The Feline Powers of Egypt – Lesley Jackson
- Mesopotamian Goddesses: Unveiling Your Feminine Power – Weam Namou
- Cleopatra’s Daughter: A Novel – Michelle Moran
- Five Dark Fates (Three Dark Crowns Book 4) – Kendare Blake
- The Heretic Queen: A Novel – Michelle Moran
- Nefertiti: A Novel – Michelle Moran
- Remember Me – Christopher Pike
- The Woman Who Would Be King: Hatshepsut’s Rise to Power in Ancient Egypt – Kara Cooney
- The Wicked and the Divine Vol. 9: Okay – Gillen McKelvie
- Tremontaine: Season 1 – Ellen Kushner, et. al.
- The Hidden Life of Deer: Lessons From the Natural World – Elizabeth Marshall Thomas
- Dewey: The Small Town Library Cat Who Touched the World – Vicki Myron
- Tremontaine: Season 2 – Ellen Kushner, et. al.
- Tremontaine: Season 3 – Ellen Kushner, et. al.
- Tremontaine: Season 4 – Ellen Kushner, et. al.
- Swordspoint – Ellen Kushner
- Heathen, Volume 1 – Natasha Alterici
- Heathen, Volume 2 – Natasha Alterici
- The Legend of Korra: Ruins of the Empire Part 1 – Brian Konietzko and Michael Dante Dimartino
- The Legend of Korra: Ruins of the Empire Part 2 – Brian Konietzko and Michael Dante Dimartino
- 100 Cats Who Changed History: History’s Most Influential Felines – Sam Stall
- Wormwood Forest: A Natural History of Chernobyl – Mary Mycio
All these tales about the moon killing the sun on the winter solstice, all these gruesome stories of betrayal and bloodshed on the longest night of the year… Did you never wonder why the sun seems to so easily succumb to his lover’s blade each year, knowing as he must when it will come for him? Why he has never chosen to break this cycle? It’s not because he can’t; it’s because he doesn’t want to. He needs me. He’s tried every other option, after all. Drugs, alcohol, nicotine; rope, blades, bullets; drowning, jumping, suffocating. Every method of suicide and every combination thereof. None of them work, you see, because fate long ago bound us together, I to be his killer and he to be mine. No matter how much he longs for death, I am the only one who can decide when and where he shall meet that end. So like a key into a lock, this is how it must be: my blade, his throat, our endless dance choreographed down to the last struggling heartbeat. It is a gift. One that no other can ever fully understand, true, but a gift nonetheless.