#2111

Do you think I wanted to be this way? she longs to scream. That I was made like this, with a rotting heart?

She remembers the beginning like it were yesterday and not a thousand thousand years ago: the white marble city sparkling on the edge of the primordial sea, the islands made of leviathan jaw bones, the newborn sun warming sand and water and immortal flesh alike. She remembers the weight of wings and the weightlessness of flying, soaring on lazy thermals through the eternal summer day. Her skin remembers gold and jewels and silk, her tongue ambrosia and honeyed wine, her ears the harmonious blend of laughter, music, and the susurrus of waves. Yet when she returns to those memories, painful though they may be, she most often chooses to remember the companions she once knew, those she danced with in the sky and those she lay with in the sea foam. Soft lips and sweet kisses on the sandy shore, open arms and hearts in the cool marble halls; love was so uncomplicated then. She was so uncomplicated then. She does not pine for home, but she does pine for those she left there.

Monsters are not born from flesh and bone, she wants to say, but won’t. They are born from betrayal and desperation. Remember that, because what was done to me can be done to you.

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#2081

Little girl, don’t sell your soul to the angel;
he tells only beautiful lies
and his words are sweet as honey.

Little girl, don’t sell your soul to the devil;
he tells only unbearable truths
and his words are raw as smoke.

Be sure, little girl, not to sell your soul to them both;
one in each ear, their words will intoxicate you
and you’ll never hear anything else.

#2061

o wounded Lucifer, beautiful in your pain, your wicked smile daring make it quick as the blade presses against your bared throat, there are none more perfect than you, none more suffering than you, none who dare lay claim to your crown of madness for you were born to wear it

#2057

Dreams of you leave me dizzy and exhausted, unable to grasp who or where I am. This one lingers long and I’m still half-blind from the sun reflecting off your metal wings, my ears full of the screams of your victims. I have seen you neither happier nor more powerful than as you hover in the sky raining down death, and thus never more beautiful. With minute motions of your hands you sink seabeds and thrust up cliffs, topple causeways and twist mountain ranges until they leap, suicide-like, into the roiling ocean. There is no escape for the rebels and fugitives who sought to hide in this remote corner of the country; you are barely human, devoid of empathy or concern, and their fear means nothing. What is the death of others, innocent or guilty, to you who are death itself? There is no judgement, only joy in the destruction. You are a weapon that loves its purpose.

So many dreams of pursuit, and I should have known you would be waiting at the end of them all. You are at every end, o radiant angel, and no matter where I run I always run toward you.

#2026

What if the outcast angels didn’t fall at all – what if they were shattered? What if their clever minds and rebellious souls could not be trusted anywhere, even the pits of hell, and so instead God shattered them and scattered the shards of their beings across all of existence, that they might never be made whole again? Hence Lucifer and Satan, Hannibal and Will, Tanim and Daren; hence all the gods, all the characters, all the muses, all the stories so strangely, achingly similar. Hence the echoes through time and space, linking all us sad scribes together in our solitary duty. If so, God made a terrible mistake. Divide an angel and you do not reduce it to disparate, weaker parts of a greater whole. Divide an angel and you only replicate it a thousand thousand times, each new duplicate as complete, as complex, and as unforgiving as the first.

#2024

When I visited a psychic a few weeks ago, she told me I had the archangel Raphael with me. That seemed odd – shouldn’t I be a godless heathen in the eyes of the angels? – but hey, I’m not going to turn down spiritual help no matter what belief system it comes from. So for my most recent personal tarot spread, I decided to see what Raphael might want (assuming he’s still around, or ever was). I used a spread specific to him which is all about healing:

Question: Your ability to self heal
Card: Two of Cups
Interpretation: The thing that has the greatest potential to heal me and improve my life is my relationship with my wife. Our partnership is built on mutual love, trust, honesty, and genuine affection. Being with her has forced me to deal with a lot of my issues, which has lead to greater wellbeing on a physical, emotional, and spiritual level for me. Other close relationships in my life are important, of course, and probably factor into this card as well, but I think it’s primarily indicating my romantic relationship.

Question: What blocks communication (nature of the illness)
Card: Knight of Cups
Interpretation: The Knight of Cups says I am emotionally passive and non-confrontational, which leads to me being easily swayed or convinced to put my own emotions or needs aside. I can also be too kind or sympathetic, which also causes me to ignore my feelings. Wow. I didn’t come here to be attacked, man. …too bad it’s really, really accurate. I don’t like talking about my feelings, okay?! The universe doesn’t have to beat me over the head about it, sheesh.

Question: Factor slowing healing down (avoid)
Card: Queen of Swords reversed
Interpretation: Like the Queen of Swords, I can let negative emotions like pettiness, narcissism, bitterness, and loneliness hurt myself and my relationships with others. Likewise, I can let my fear of hurting someone else get in the way of resolution. I also fear leaving the past behind to move into the future, which obviously hinders my healing as well.

Question: This supports healing
Card: Ten of Cups reversed
Interpretation: I get it, okay? I’ve got some emotional work to do with regards to my family. Can we talk about something else now pls.

Question: Do this to heal (action advice)
Card: Ace of Wands
Interpretation: The Ace of Wands is a powerhouse of creative energy and possibility. It tells me to get going and do something creative; to take this spark of energy and excitement and use it to challenge myself and grow. I believe this card is referring in part to my current drive to become a better tarot reader, as well as to expand my psychic senses. I have been giving free readings on Tumblr (happy to do them here, too!), which is allowing me to get to know my deck better than when I only ask questions about myself. After my fallow spiritual period, the Ace of Wands encourages me to pick up the pace again.

Question: Outcome in the near future, provided advice is acted on
Card: Eight of Wands
Interpretation: The Eight of Wands is the natural progression from the Ace of Wands. With the ace’s energy harnessed and put to good use, the Eight of Wands promises productivity, success, and adventure. It’s motto could be “full steam ahead!”, and it’s a great card to pull for an outcome.

Additional thoughts: I found it interesting that the spread is dominated by cup cards, though wands dominate the right, or outcome, side of the spread. Considering wands are the suit I most identify with, and I struggle with accepting and expressing my emotions, this makes total sense. I don’t usually do such complicated spreads, so this was good practice for interpreting the layout of the cards, and not just the cards themselves. What is even more interesting, though, is that there are no major arcana present. Every single time I do a reading with Bast I pull at least one major arcana. Even when I do readings for other people, major arcana cards are pretty common if I’ve asked Her to help me. That there are no major arcana cards, or any other cards I frequently pull, tells me I definitely wasn’t communicating with Bast. I can’t prove I was communicating with Raphael, of course, but it was cool to see how the spread changed when I wasn’t working with my usual deity.