#1980

I want to tell you all a story about my DnD character, Remr. So sit back, relax, and let me paint the scene for you.

It was my birthday, and the great DM in the sky had ruled there would be a haunted house one-shot for the occasion. Our characters – Remr the tiefling scientist, Never the dragonborn bard, Tevasshus the near-silent monk, and Tarcella the inebriated halfling pirate – had located said haunted house and were exploring its many floors in hopes of freeing the souls of two dead children. Remr and Tarcella took the lead in searching each dusty, gloomy room, Remr out of pure enthusiasm and Tarcella because her hangover (and desire for loot) dulled her sense of fear. Never and Tevasshus followed behind at a cautious distance with weapons drawn.

Their search led them to the house’s basement, a labyrinth of long, dark passages cut into the stone foundation and echoing with an eerie chanting. Having already found strong evidence of cult activity and human sacrifice, not to mention a spectre and the clingy ghost children, the party moved cautiously. Even Remr, still in the lead, moved with uncharacteristic care as she poked her head into each corridor and empty room. Their relative luck thus far – Never had slain the only spectre in one hit – was making her cocky, though, and her mind was wandering to the scientific principles of the various undead subclasses as they approached the deepest and longest passage yet.

(Me: I check for traps.
DM: Go ahead and roll.
Me: *rolls* …never mind.)

Seeing no obvious enemies or obstacles, Remr stepped confidently over the threshold… …and broke through the false floor and into a pit trap. Despite the rotted nature of the wooden stakes, two still pierced her arm and leg and the others knocked the wind from her, broke several ribs, and left some spectacular bruises. Tarcella, quick thinking as always, pulled a coil of rope from her pack and tossed it down to Remr. Between Tarcella and Never (but mostly Never), the two pulled Remr out of the pit. She used a major healing potion to heal the wounds and was soon back to full health.

At this point, the party had to find an alternate way across the open trap. A small lip of stone remained between the wall and the edge of the drop, and it was this that the party would need to use. Tarcella, as the smallest and lightest, went first.

(Her: I’m going to inch my way around the trap.
DM: Roll for agility.
Her: *rolls* Shit.)

Despite her advantages, Tarcella slipped and fell into the pit. Thankfully, her size enabled her to fall between the stakes, where she sustained only minor damage. Grabbing the rope, Remr moved along the ledge to help her friend.

(Me: I’m going to go along the lip and toss the rope to Tarcella.
DM: Roll for agility.
Me: *rolls* ………motherfucker.)

Unfortunately, Remr slipped as well – and fell into the pit for the second time in like two minutes. While she didn’t injure herself nearly as badly as the first time, she did fall on top of Tarcella, which wasn’t great either. Never and Tevasshus, having shared a mighty eye roll, assisted the ladies out of the trap and everyone sang a nice rendition of “The Pit” from Parks and Rec before moving on.

The end.

#1978

“Come on, Remr,” La’lua teased as the arrow went wide from its target, “I know you can do better than that!” Remr groaned and slouched after the arrow where it lay harmlessly in the grass. Seeing the barely contained laughter on La’lua’s lavender face when she returned, the darker tiefling stuck her tongue out. “There was wind,” she argued. “And the planet… rotated too quickly.” This only seemed to make the laughter harder for La’lua to fight. “Whatever!” Remr threw the arrow and bow down with all the drama of her teenage years, tail lashing with anger and embarrassment. “This is a stupid skill anyway. I don’t need a bow to study basilisks.”

“It’s a skill you’ll need if you’re going to go on to ranger school,” La’lua reminded her, retrieving the abused weapons, “or whatever it is rangers do to become rangers.” She held the bow out to Remr with a conciliatory smile. “You’re going to have to learn it eventually. And besides, you’re getting better. Just… slowly.” Remr wanted to hold onto her anger, but the other tiefling’s sweet smile made her limbs go wiggly and her heart beat with a very different emotion. With a begrudging sigh, she took back the bow and stared down at its simple, inert form. “How do you make it look so easy?” she whined, imagining how elegant and powerful the same weapon looked in her friend’s confident grip. “Magic?”

“No, not magic, silly. Some things just come naturally to some people,” La’lua deflected the compliment with her usual humility and held out the arrow. “Don’t worry, I’m going to help you train until you’re the best archer at the academy.” Remr blushed, as she always did when faced with La’lua’s unwavering positivity. She took the arrow and tapped La’lua’s purple horns with her red ones affectionately. “Well, second best,” she corrected with a wink. La’lua winked and returned the gentle bump. “You’re too kind,” she demurred. “Now, let’s try that again – I think the planet has slowed its rotation a bit.

– – –

“Fuck, Remr, that’s like the fifth arrow that’s gone wide!” From her position on top of the bloodstained altar, Tarcella aimed her own bow and landed a direct hit to the shambling mound swinging at their companions. Remr glared as the monster roared in pain. “It’s the fourth, thank you,” she called over to the halfling. “And yes, I noticed. I am also in this creepy chamber full of water and chanting ghosts.”

“Just concentrate!” Tarcella had another arrow knocked and fired by the time Remr had retrieved her final arrow from its quiver and pulled back the string. Staring down the arrow shaft, Remr breathed in through her nose and out her mouth, trying to clear her mind. She narrowed her eyes, fixing on the center of the massive plantand–

“Don’t worry, I’m going to help you train until you’re the best archer at the academy!”

–and fired wider than before. The arrow ricocheted off a stone wall and landed in the pool of murky water. Remr shook her head, rattled by the intrusion of a voice she hadn’t heard in years, and forced herself not to replay the rest of the memory. Instead, she threw down the useless bow, grabbed her ice pick, and jumped into the fray with a sudden fury that lent her speed and strength.

After the shambling mound had been reduced to piles of rotting plant matter, the party turned to follow their tracks out of the exorcised basement. As they walked, Tarcella elbowed Remr in the leg and flashed her a teasing smile. “Dude, why do you even have a bow?” she asked. Remr shrugged helplessly and returned the pirate’s smile with a self-deprecating one of her own. “Who fucking knows. I’m a ranger…?”

#1970

[ My DnD character Remr is a Tiefling with an overabundance of enthusiasm for science (and girls). Here’s more info on her! ]

Family:

  • Mother: Dia’deferde’t’mana’nbat’shi
  • Father: Beshu’ro’ferali’t’kuna’nbat’shi
  • Maternal uncle: Tao’rumi’fidat’e’kpali’nbat’shi
  • Oldest sister: Lilitu’v’ravi’nai’uwei’nbat’shi
  • 2nd oldest sister: Fal’nua’l’shansi’ty’rina’nbat’shi
  • 3rd oldest sister: Ker’lanu’nivora’tsinari’nbat’shi

Random factoids:

  • Surnames are passed down matrilineally in her culture, which explains why her father has the same surname as her unmarried maternal uncle. The N’Bat’shi family is held in very high esteem and often her last name alone can produce favorable results when necessary. However, Remr doesn’t abuse this social privilege and is often uncomfortable when people expect her to be like the rest of her family.
  • The person she’s closest to in her family is her uncle, an explorer who deals in antiques and other objects of value. He is the only one to have supported and nurtured her interest in science. After his death she inherits his feather token, which turns into a massive blue budgie.
  • Her university’s colors are navy, gold, and white. She tends to wear clothing in these colors out of loyalty to her employer and because she doesn’t have much fashion sense.
  • Her highest degree is in herpetology and she will rush to the defense of any lizard-like creature.

Recent shenanigans:

  • At a monastery’s sealed door which only a small number of people in the world would know how to unlock, she knocked and the door opened.
  • She climbed into a locked library in the monastery through a broken window to look for books and discovered quite a large number of dead bodies.
  • While the party’s monk was mourning the loss of the monastery’s residents and the rest of the party stood in respectful silence, she accidentally made a bunch of noise by knocking down some scrolls she was examining. In her defense, though, it lead to the discovery of some important monk thingy, which she gave to him as an apology.
  • She asked how her friend’s brother was; the answer was “dead”.
  • She took possession of a snake-motif dagger after this same friend looted it from an abandoned castle but was burned when trying to touch it. The dagger doesn’t burn Remr, theoretically because of her tougher Tiefling skin. The dagger is from one of the three witch queens the party semi-plans to kill.
  • After her party was dismissed from the king’s chambers, she stayed behind because she was distracted by looking out his telescope. This (paraphrased) conversation followed:
    • King: Remr, we truly appreciate your assistance and my wife likes you very much, but–
    • Remr: And I like your wife.
    • King: Uh. Well, okay, yes, but–
    • Remr: She is HOT. ;)
    • King: Please get out of my office.
    • Remr: Righto.

#1968

“Uncle Tao’rumi is here! Uncle Tao’rumi is here!” Remr’s shouting preceded her into the house by several seconds. As her daughter ran past to fling open the front door, Dia called after her, “What have I told you about running in the house?” And then, under her breath, “Can’t Rumi let me know ahead of time when he’s coming just once? Would a letter be so hard?”

The front door hung wide open as Dia made her way into the front hall. Her brother’s boisterous laugh echoed from the courtyard, along with her youngest daughter’s ecstatic squeals. “Higher, Uncle!” the toddler yelled as he tossed her in the air. “Higher, higher!”

“You’re getting too big, Remr!” Tao’rumi gave a great gasp as he caught her and set her on the ground. “I can barely lift you! Soon you’ll be as tall as Lili!” He winked at his sister as she came down the steps and they embraced with mutual affection – though Dia could not help smacking him with her tail as she scolded, “You could write beforehand, you know!” Tao’rumi flashed her his best older brother smile. “Of course I could, but why would I? The surprise is half the fun!”

“Uncle!” Remr tugged at his pants to regain his attention, but at that same moment her sisters appeared and her voice was lost in the resulting chaos of greetings. She barely managed to wait through the following round of gift giving (though she did love the purple and green crystal Tao’rumi had brought her), and the moment her family began moving inside she clung again to her uncle’s leg. “Uncle, Bao’ru! Bao’ru! You promised!”

“That I did, little one,” Tao’rumi glanced from Remr’s hopeful face to her mother’s suddenly stern expression. “It’s really very safe, Dia. You know I wouldn’t put her in any danger.”

“Oh, fine…” Dia waved her hand in weary acquiescence. “But be quick, the servants will have dinner ready shortly.”

“Bao’ru!” Remr jumped with glee as her uncle pulled a small gold feather token out of his pocket. He grinned and set it ceremoniously in her outstretched hand. “Okay, Remr, do you remember what to do?”

– – –

“I can’t believe you got it!” Remr grinned as Tarcella came climbing down the trellis, the gold feather in her hand just visible in the moonlight. Once on the ground, the halfling bowed with a flourish and a proud, albeit whispered, “I told you, I’m a pickpocketing master.”

“Yeah,” Remr jostled her friend with a gangly adolescent elbow, “because that will be useful in your future career.” Tarcella pushed her back with a mock scowl. “More useful than your dusty old books!” Remr stuck out her tongue. “If you insult my books one more time, I’ll make Bao’ru drop you!”

“Remr, Tarcella, where are you going so late at night?” The girls jumped at the voice, then glanced sheepishly up at the balcony from which Tarcella had just descended. Tao’rumi stared down at them, his arms crossed and a stern frown on his face. Remr faltered, seeking for the lie she hadn’t prepared, then replied uncertainly, “To… uh… stargaze?” Beside her, Tarcella winced. For a few agonizing seconds, Tao’rumi seemed to radiate disappointment. Then the smallest smile tilted his lips and he let out a long sigh. “Stargazing. Mhm. Well. Be back by dawn, all right? Or your mother will worry.” He winked and turned away.

Remr almost shouted, “Thank you, Uncle!” but managed to stop herself before she woke up the rest of the household and only whispered it. She turned to Tarcella with a grin. “Let’s go!”

– – –

“Greetings, companions!” Remr wended her way over to a table in The Moon’s Roost’s far corner where her party sat in various states of relaxation or vigilance. She set down her stack of books with a thud and took a seat on the bench next to Tarcella. “Our patroness was gracious enough to let me borrow a few more texts,” here Never and Tevasshus shared a look that said A few? She has a whole stack upstairs, “and they are utterly fascinating! Listen to this–”

“Madam Nbat’shi, pardon,” The tavern owner interrupted Remr just as she opened the first book, much to her companions’ relief. “Some mail came for you this morning.” He handed her a padded envelope and left. One side of the package was covered with writing and stamps, as if it had traveled to a great many places before finally finding her; the other side had only a single intricate crest in the center. Remr smiled as she tore open one end and pulled out a folded sheet of creamy parchment. “How lovely! My parents write so rarely. I wonder what the occasion is? Perhaps Fal’nua had her baby.” She fell silent as she unfolded and read the letter. Her smile sank.

“Remr, is everything okay?” Never, always the emotional gauge of the group, watched her with concern. She blinked at their words, then managed a weak imitation of her usual smile. “Yeah, no, sorry, everything’s fine.” She reached into the package and pulled out a small gold feather. Never and Tevasshus looked at it in incomprehension, but Tarcella leaned closer as she recognized the token. “Hey,” she said, “that’s–” Remr nodded, blinking rapidly. “Yeah.” Tarcella sat back. “But why would… oh. Sorry.” Remr shrugged awkwardly, closing her hand around the feather, then smiled up at her companions through watery eyes. “Hey, want to see something really cool?”

She lead them out of the tavern, through the winding city streets, then finally out of the city itself. She stopped in the empty grassland beyond and motioned for her companions to stay where they were. “Okay,” she said, winking at Tarcella’s knowing grin, “stand back. Here we go!” She tossed the feather into the air and moved to stand with her party as the gold token flew up, paused at the top of its trajectory, and instead of reversing direction burst apart in a bright, harmless explosion. As the dust settled they saw

a giant blue budgerigar.

“What. The. Fuck,” Never stared up at the colossal bird. Tevasshus’ mouth gaped. Even Tarcella looked in awe, having forgotten over the years just what a sight the budgie was. It was as tall as the city walls and as wide as a noble’s house. It stared down at them with an eye the size of a wagon wheel, then began combing the ground for food with its massive head. Remr hopped in place, gazing up at the beast as tears glittered on her red cheeks.

“His name is Bao-ru!”

 #1963

[More details about my DnD character Rem’r, adorable tiefling and Best Professor Ever!!!]

  • Rem’r has three-toed feet (think the show Gargoyles), along with pointy teeth and nails.
  • Her tail is plain (meaning no spikes or anything) and swishes back and forth when she’s highly emotional (so…. like all the time).
  • Her favorite food is chocolate-covered coffee beans and she lives off them when trying to meet deadlines.
  • She tends to stay up all night and only sleep in brief naps during the day, or whenever her body forces her to.
  • She might have a caffeine addiction…
  • Her clothing is normal for a ranger type: Linen shirt, pants, no shoes (obviously), bracers, elven armor and cloak, etc [it’ll be color coded to her university’s colors, I just can’t decide what they are yet].
  • Speaking of her university, they have her on “extended sabbatical” because she comes from a very wealthy and influential family and they’re afraid to fire her.
  • Speaking of which, also, she’s either loved or hated by her students – loved by the passionate ones who don’t mind listening to a fascinating but rambling lecture which won’t be on the test; hated by the students who can’t stand rambling lectures or trying to follow erratic trains of thought because all they want to do is learn what will be on the test.
  • All of her written correspondences contain a crap!! ton!! of exclamation points!!!!!
  • She sometimes hangs stuff from her horns that she needs quick access to, such as a magnifying glass, and sticks writing implements in her hair.
  • I don’t know what kind of queer she is, but I think she gets flustered around pretty girls.
  • She hails from Hellas, a land with an environment and culture similar to the ancient Mediterranean. Her parents own a very nice villa there and move in the highest social circles.
  • Fun fact: fellow party member and pirate extraordinaire, Tarcella the halfling, also grew up in the Hellas area and the two knew each other as children.
  • Stuff in her pack: lots of half melted candle stubs, charcoal (from Tarcella, cause they’re BFFs), waterproof matches, compass, chocolate covered coffee beans, random crystals and rocks (one of which is from a witch turned to stone by a basilisk named Eli), pencils, quills and ink, a mysterious glass orb, several notepads and loose sheets of paper, like at least 5 books, empty potion bottles, some stuff she’s definitely forgotten about completely, a cursed half-orc fingerbone, a sample of some creepy tree mold, her official university documents, and clothes I guess.
  • Weapons: Rock hammer, ice pick, silver dagger, longbow
  • She is very pro-animal, especially those that she feels are wrongly maligned (like basilisks).
  • She’s a lightweight when it comes to alcohol, but is a very nice drunk
  • She’s an overachiever with an approval complex
  • She really wants to be friends with Never [our nonbinary dragonborn [aka my girlfriend] but she has no understanding of introversion and therefore no idea that she’s very loud and very overwhelming.
  • She recently obtained a Qualls Feather Token, which can turn into a giant bird (specifically a giant budgie) with the obedience of a golem. You can bet she has that bird out like 24/7, not for any reason other than it’s her giant bird friend. Name TBD.

#1959

“Mama, look!” Dia’deferde’t’mana’nbat’shi glanced down from where she stood arranging flowers for the night’s celebration – and right into the wide, emotionless eyes of a small garden snake. Its head bobbed up and down as her youngest daughter bounced on the balls of her feet to compensate for her toddler stature. “He’s like us!” she crowed, wiggling her red tail as evidence. “See?”

“Rem’r!” Dia drew back in disgust, both relieved and further repulsed to see the snake was alive, its tongue flicking in and out while it most likely plotted the invasion of her villa. “How many times have I told you not to bring anything that is alive, or was once alive, or that could become alive into the house?” She made as if to push her daughter back out the door, but hesitated before coming within striking distance of the snake. “Honey, just…” she gestured toward the door, “go put that thing back where you found it… or farther away than that. And wash your hands.” From beyond the snake’s questing head, Rem’r’s chubby face crumpled. “But he’s like us!” she repeated, trying with upstretched arms and tippy-toes to show her mother the snake. “He has a tail and we have tails! He’s family!”

“Guh!” Dia shuddered involuntarily. “We are not like that… thing!” She circled around her daughter, then gently pushed her toward the door. “Snakes aren’t related to tieflings. Snakes are scaly and slimy and… and creepy crawly little monsters!” At the threshold to the patio she stopped and gave her daughter a final stern nudge. “Do go put that gross thing back, Rem’r. It’s time to come inside anyway. The guests will be here soon.”

“Okay, Mama…” Rem’r cast her a last pouting look, then turned away. Dia watched her daughter trudge down to one of the far gardens, ensuring the snake was good and truly released, then turned back to her preparations. How Rem’r had turned out so odd, and so unlike her three older daughters, she had no idea.

– – –

“A basilisk! How wonderful!” While the rest of her party backed away in understandable caution, Rem’r moved toward the beast emerging lithely from the forest. It wore a hood much like a hunting bird’s, the better to protect them all from its stony stare – though chances were great that Rem’r would have approached the creature anyway without it. She let it sniff her hands, then walked in a circle to take it in from all angles.

“His name is Eli,” the sorceress explained, clearly pleased that at least one in the party didn’t fear a creature of the Fae Wilds. “He’ll come with you, as long as you are sure to feed him. Basilisks require quite a lot of food.” Nodding in agreement, Rem’r scratched the basilisk under the chin and cooed, “Eli, you’re such a sweetie. Who’s a good boy? You are! Do you wanna come with us to kill the big bad witch?”

“Are you actually petting him?” From a safe vantage point, Never attempted rationality. “You know what basilisks are, don’t you? And what they can do? We are not taking that monster with us; it’ll probably eat us before we’re halfway there!”

“HEY!” Rem’r turned an indignant and furious look upon the dragonborn, her tail lashing back and forth. “He’s not a monster! He’s a basilisk, and a very nice one at that. Basilisks are important apex predators and a crucial link in the food chain of–” She kept lecturing but the others had, as usual, already tuned her out and were settling the details of the agreement with the sorceress. She gave the general gathering a final glare and turned back to Eli. “You’re not a monster,” she reassured him. “You’re a very good boy and I bet without you the whole local ecosystem would collapse.”

#1951

I don’t have any writing to post today because I’m a terrible writer, so here’s all the cool shit my D&D character Remr, biologist extraordinaire!, has managed to do in just two… rounds? Meetings? Episodes? What do you– whatever. Here you go:

  • She asked a man wearing a mouth mask, “What’s wrong with your face?” in an attempt to figure out if he was contagious or not. When he was understandably offended, she mistook his reaction for a language barrier and proceeded to talk slowly and loudly and to mime the concept of contagious diseases. Her efforts were not appreciated.
  • She tried to talk to an owlbear in order to become friends with it so it wouldn’t attack the party. Did not work. Almost died.
  • She gleefully examined the owlbear’s giant nest full of droppings and owlbear pellets and other gross stuff, for research purposes.
  • She looted the skeleton of a club-footed child from a sarcophagus, for research purposes.
  • She traded the child skeleton for a cursed half-orc finger bone, also for research purposes.
  • She managed to deliver the killing blow to a frost wight after only taking three entire turns just to fire her lightning arrow.
  • She drank a sample of a mysterious potion while in FantasyCostco and turned temporarily green. She also lost 8 HP.
  • She took a sample of a mysterious and incredibly dangerous fungus, for research purposes.
  • She tugged on a horse leg she found under a bush in order to ascertain whether it was attached to anything. It was. The horse leg was attached to a dead horse and she consequently got the party attacked by dire wolves.
  • She accidentally lead her party into the fae wilds after promising some pixies the party would kill an old lady who is probably definitely a witch.
  • She has somehow become the charge of the party’s very long-suffering dragonborn bard (my fiance, so maybe it’s not so surprising…), and takes great delight in reminding him that they’re basically family. She makes him be her roomie and stays up all night telling him about her thesis (which has to do with the biological differences between centaurs and mermaids).
  • Also, she has become BFFs with the halfling pirate in the party and got drunk in a tavern with her and a bunch of sailors, for research purposes.
Capture

Look at this fuckin nerd.