#1839

It’s the middle of the night or just about and I’m awake and haven’t written anything in days and no one really gives a shit so here’s a list of things I’m afraid of because why not. I’m afraid I’ll be at work when the mega quake hits and I’ll either die in the initial building collapse or I’ll be trapped in the rubble for days and smother to death. I’m afraid I’ll die of carbon monoxide poisoning. I’m afraid the house will catch fire when I’m not home and all the animals will die. I’m afraid my cat’s spirit won’t visit me because he knows i made the choice to put him to sleep. I’m afraid everything i believe is a lie I’ve carefully crafted to make myself feel special and not crazy. I’m afraid I’m a shitty daughter. I’m afraid I’m a shitty friend. I’m afraid I’m a shitty lover and my girlfriend will one day leave because I’m asexual and have no libido and she’ll realize sooner or later that i can’t give her what she needs and deserves. I’m afraid she’ll die before me. I’m afraid my boss keeps delaying my promotion because she thinks I’m too incapable to do anything harder. I’m afraid my performance issues aren’t caused by anything physical or mental and I’m just bad at my job. I’m afraid I’m of painfully average intelligence and only the sub par public school system convinced people otherwise. I’m afraid my carpal tunnel will keep getting worse until i can’t type or write. I’m afraid I’m going to be alive for the end of the world. I’m afraid there’s nothing i can do to delay that fact. I’m afraid humanity is going to destroy every living thing on this planet. I’m afraid I’ll be alive for world war 3. I’m afraid donald trump will be president. I’m afraid someone i know will read this and want to have a Conversation about it. I’m afraid there’s nothing after death. I’m afraid that i already believe that and just can’t admit it to myself. I’m afraid I’m bad for my girlfriend and she doesn’t realize it. I’m afraid my life will always be compartmentalized. I’m afraid I’ve already written everything of value and will never create anything good again. I’m afraid I’ll eventually accept that fact and so many others and let apathy replace any drive or hope i have left. I’m afraid that nothing ever change and I’ll die in the same shitty world i was born into and the same shitty world i live in now. and now my fingers are going cold and tingly because my body is a piece of junk so i guess it’s time to go to sleep so i can wake up and pretend this counts as writing it really really doesn’t.

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7 thoughts on “#1839

  1. Your writing is among the most beautiful, frightening and articulate prose I’ve had the pleasure of reading…ever. Sometimes I think of it for days.

    As for the other fears…I have many of them myself. But, I know the biggest fear is whether Donald Trump will be elected president!

    Best wishes, friend. Keep writing. We love you.

    • Thank you for the lovely comment. :) Your words are like little rays of light in the dark. Thank you, truly.

      (And hopefully after tomorrow, our Donald Trump fears will be gone for good!)

  2. Hey there lady,

    Most of us have most of these fears. I can tell you that the carpal tunnel will not consume your life – you will recover and type and write for many years afterward. I had both surgeries in 1997, and while I lost my job (because I worked for a d####### boss who “didn’t believe in carpal tunnel syndrome” and probably was just waiting for an excuse to fire me), I found another job and life went on. But you do have to take breaks from the computer. I recommend RSIGuard – it’s a great program that has saved me from a second set of surgeries, and it’s worth every penny you pay for it and then some. Ideally you should also do exercises for your hands, but I’ve been getting away with just the breaks for two years now and I’m fine. I too have a shitty body (fibromyalgia, etc.) so I can relate to that feeling.

    So please hang in there. I, and others, can definitely commiserate with you.

    • Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment, it really did help me feel better about some of my fears. Especially the carpal tunnel – that’s a big one. Did the surgeries help? I know they’re pretty difficult ones, as far as surgeries go…

      • Yes, the surgeries helped. Also, it helped to have a reminder program on my computer that let me know when to take breaks. I would say my taking breaks is the thing that prevented me from needing multiple surgeries; I was initially told there was an 85% chance of needing a second surgery on my hands and I haven’t needed it. I use RSIGuard (http://www.rsiguard.com/) and recommend it highly.

        BTW, if you need two surgeries, wait at least a month between them. I waited a month and a half, and it was almost too long, but you need to go longer than three weeks too. Good luck.

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