When I look in the mirror I see a body that doesn’t feel like mine. A body that contains too many lives, too many loves, too many worlds to be bound to one frail, finite physical form. It’s not that these aren’t my eyes; it’s that my eyes are also emerald green and obsidian black and violent as the ocean in storm. And it’s not that these aren’t my lips; it’s that my lips should also be thinner, sharper, drawn back in a snarl or down in sorrow or up in a smile wicked and cold. I should be taller, thinner, stronger, paler; my hair should be white and black and tangled stiff with sea salt. It’s not that I’m not the girl in the mirror; it’s just that I’m not only her, either. So how can her body feel right, when it doesn’t belong to everyone I am?



unwilling mother
the opposite of your name
such an angry cat


regal calico
not meant for life in a barn
we gave you better


intrepid kitten
you were trouble from the start
of course we picked you


I knew you briefly
and should have kept you safer
for that, I’m sorry


little gray shadow
you were a piece of my soul
I’ll miss you always


spirit companion
in the corner of my eye
you follow me still


most spoiled of my sons
you were king of the castle
and acted like it


bowling ball kitty
who loved the smell of mens shoes
I hope you lost weight


purr like a Harley
eyes bright as the harvest moon
please live forever


website sidebar ad
“lose weight with this one weird trick!”
(a staph infection)


[ So guess who has been super sick the last two weeks three weeks like forever and apparently has a staph infection in her mouth and has lost a bunch of weight because the super strong antibiotics make her so nauseous all she can eat are cinnamon toast Eggo waffles? That would be me, the girl who internalizes her stress and emotions to such an intense degree that she physically cripples herself. Brilliant! ]


late at night my ten year old self yells at me, tears in her eyes and hands clenched in fists, demanding “how could you let this happen? how could you let him go?!” like I had any control, like eight years difference somehow made me an adult with the power to move stars and blood clots, yet I know she can’t understand something so profoundly wrong when her entire world is built upon the framework of What Has Been Therefore Always Will Be, sure she’s stood on damp porch steps and called desperately for lost cats but this loss is incomprehensible and she feels wounded, betrayed, this isn’t how things were supposed to go at all, and all I can say is “I know, I know, I know”