roses are red
Daren’s disdain is black
perhaps we should go now
I don’t need a knife in my back

[ My favorite webcomic artist, Kathleen Jacques, held a Kickstarter last year to fund publishing her webcomic Band vs Band as a book (IT’S SO GOOD AND CUTE AND QUEER GO READ IT). One of the Kickstarter levels was a custom picture, which I snapped up. I based the picture on this semi-roleplay where my girlfriend and I talked about how incredibly uncomfortable it would be to have dinner with my characters Tanim and Daren. I think the resulting picture captures the awkwardness perfectly. Happy Valentines Day! ]


I think these are my favorite nights, the ones where we crawl into bed and spend hours talking, facing each other like we’re at a sleepover, only you don’t have to go home in the morning, you don’t ever have to go home again because this is home, we are home, and we talk about the mysteries of space and the ocean’s depths, of science and justice, and I want to take your face in my hands and kiss you until you gasp but I don’t want you to stop speaking, either, I want you to keep talking about electric currents and hammerhead sharks and rubbing my ears to keep them warm, I could listen to you talk for the rest of my life and still wish for another hour to hear just one more opinion, one more silly story, one more blushing secret, I’ll always wish for more everything with you.


You know I’m better at writing words than speaking them
so let me write a few I should have spoken:
I love the little scar on your right eyebrow
I love the duck shaped birth mark on your side
I love the way your hair curls as it dries
I love the gap in your teeth
I love the freckles scattered across your cheeks
I love your random white hairs
I love the way you look in a sports bra and pants
I love how your face relaxes in sleep
I love the way you look in a tie
I love the way you look in a dress shirt and tie even more
I love your curves
I love the hard earned callouses on your hands
I love the way your eyelids are just a bit darker than your skin
I love how it always looks like you’re wearing eyeshadow
I love the gentle curve of your lips
I love how ticklish you are
I love the birth mark at the base of your neck that looks like a sun disc
I love the warmth at the small of your back
I love the side of your nose
I love the pink shell of your ear
I love your one eyebrow hair that never lays flat
I love the swell of your breasts
I love your eager nipples
I love you in clothes
I love you naked
I love the power in your body when you go through your forms
I love the rise of your shoulder when you lay on your side
I love when you wear your hair in pigtails
I love your profile outlined in moonlight
I love your eyes glittering in the sunlight
I love the freckles hidden in your hairline
I love how slowly your eyelids rise and fall when you’re sleepy
I love your crooked glasses
I love your voice when it’s serious
I love your voice when it’s silly
I love your voice when it’s trembling
I love your voice when it says my name
I love the way your hand fits perfectly in mine
I love the way you hold a guitar
I love the way you look at me over a guitar
I love the way your fingers glide over the strings
I love the silkiness of your caramel skin
I love every one of your eyelashes
I love your masculinity
I love your femininity
I love the flecks of black and gold in your eyes
I love the salt of dried tears at the corners of your eyes
I love the strength of your arms around me
I love your surprised smile
I love your feverish, loopy smile
I love your crooked smile
I love your shy smile
I love your peaceful smile
I love your sorrowful smile
I love your relaxed, goofy smile
I love your secretive smile
I love the smile you only show to me
I love everything about you
I love you


i’m not here i’m not here i’m not here
i am stone i will abide i am stone i will abide
i’m stone i’m stone i’m stone


darkness darkness darkness i’m at the bottom of the ocean i’m under the water i’m not here i’m not here i’m under the ocean i’m miles away i’m stone i’m stone

“Where are you?”


“…far away…”

“No. I’m here. I found you.”

#1528 – Do Not Open Until December 31, 2014

December 31st, 2013


At this moment you are sitting next to the love of your life, sharing a tradition with her that she has shared with no one else. You cherish this. You are honored by this. She shares this with you because she believes you are the One, and you take part because you believe she is the One. And you are both correct. You have found each other.

This has been a strange, difficult year; leaving the Red Cross, job hunting, Sara’s illnesses, and always the search for something… someone… more. And yet this has not been a bad year, because your search is over. You have found what you would not admit you were looking for. You were brave and stepped (dove?) into the river, and now you lay on the bank with one who loves you utterly. Whom you love utterly. Never forget that. So much that seemed impossible was proven true this year – so much more will have been proven so by the time you read this. What you think about yourself now may not be true; after all, just a year from writing this you believed yourself incapable of true love, utter surrender, total devotion. That is false. You believed you would never find anyone who truly understood your mind, your heart, your world. That is false. You never thought you would find someone who would love Tanim and Daren as fully, deeply, truly as you do. That is false. You have in her someone who sees you, who sees Them, who not only accepts but embraces and honors and celebrates. That should be impossible, yet it is not. She is not. She lives, breathes, weeps, laughs, loves. She is real, and she is yours. And you are real, though you don’t like to admit it. You are real, and you are hers. So cherish her. Protect her. Worship her.

It’s not really the year that matters; it’s the moments, the mornings, the lifetimes that count. And you have the chance to have one together. Take it. Don’t mess things up because you’re afraid or uncertain or any other foolish excuse. This is the one you should fight for. This is the one you should fight beside. You’re two halves which belong together. Even Tanim and Daren, miserable as they are, know to honor that bond. So fight. Love. Live. You don’t have to fall down that well anymore – there will always be a hand to pull you up, if you’ll only take it. Don’t slap it away. She is the One. I swear to you, on heart and soul and Moon and Sun, she is the One. You are so fucking lucky. Never forget that. Never take it for granted. Remember: No regrets. Life is good. You are safe. Loved. Cherished. It’s been a painful, horrible, wonderful year. They all are.