it seems these days I just want the dark, the dark and the silence, to curl inward until I am small and round and impenetrable, until my back doesn’t hurt anymore, my arms don’t hurt, my head doesn’t hurt, my heart doesn’t hurt, so many things hurt and nothing seems to touch any of them, not Imitrex or Advil or wrist braces like gauntlets on my arms, only the dark and the silence soothe, only in sleep am I someone who moves without pain, who flies over canyons or swims through oceans, through magma, who bends fire and water and earth, and for every dimension and law of physics I control in my dreams there is another thing uncontrollable when I wake, I doubt that’s irony but it’s cruel anyway


Cigarettes and broken locks
I’ve loved you since I saw you
Fairy rings and guitar strings
I’ve loathed you since I met you

And I
I wanna tear the words out of your skin
I wanna give the wolves something to talk about
Oh, oh, oh, oh

Cherry lips and valentines
You pull me every way
Angel dust and razor rust
I push your thought away

And I
I wanna tear the words out of your skin
I wanna give the wolves something to talk about
Oh, oh, oh, oh

You wish on stars, I spit on karma
You sing love songs, I drink vodka
You’re as bright as the sun
I’m as sharp as the moon
We’re bad news, oh, we’re bad news
So why can’t I let this go?

And I
I wanna tear the words out of your skin
I wanna give the wolves something to talk about
Oh, oh, oh, oh

I wanna tear the words out of your skin
I wanna give the wolves something to talk about

I heard part of this song in a dream inspired (I assume) by this most recent Band vs Band page. Wrote the rest based on the emotions in the dream.


bare your neck
bare your teeth
sweat and blood
breath and heartbeat
tear flesh, dig bruises
swallow me down
gripping, gasping, gaining
surrender, release
brother dear
you are a beast
you are a monster
devour, destroy, consume your love
gunpowder lust
cannibal hunger
blood and semen, sweat and flesh
dear brother
brother dear
I just want to see you bleed
you look beautiful in red


Some days I want to glean meaning from your death. Other days I know it was just some random shit thing that happened. In my dreams society has crumbled, humanity reduced to warring factions and desperate survival, and still what I miss most as I stand by the ocean is hearing songs on the radio that remind me of you. Upon waking I struggle for a moment, wondering why my mother is dating someone, until I remember (over and over and over) – you’re gone.


With a twist she slips from the officer’s grasp and runs for the dock, legs pumping, perching a second on the railing to gather energy before launching into the water with a dive that cuts the icy waves. Above the surface chaos erupts, shouting and arguing, but she is too deep and too far already to catch words. She swims. Limbs slicing through the water like blades, sharper than the Exacto knife she’d wielded in triumphant frenzy, she swims. Away from the useless counselors. Away from the father who buys love with diamonds and Gucci. Away from the memory of a mother, somewhere and yet nowhere. Away from the gnawing emptiness inside that makes her control, manipulate, destroy everything and everyone who reaches out. They will catch her, but until they do she swims toward the horizon and thinks only of the water buoying her forward.

[ Had a dream I was several different characters from The Girls of No Return, a book about a wilderness camp for delinquent girls. I very much recommend it! ]


In my dream I am asked to ID your body but I cannot bear to enter that cold room, not even to confirm or deny. I know it’s you and I know I should give you back your identity by naming you, but your daughter is a coward (how else do you explain these past seven years?). I can barely even look at these words now, can hardly bring myself to polish them up from a draft of a draft; how could I possibly stand to see you laid out on that table like a thing that never lived? But I should have. I should have given you that dignity, at least. You didn’t deserve to remain anonymous in my dream any more than you deserved to remain alone in that room in a reality I have been too terrified to claim as mine. I was a coward, and it changes nothing to be told you knew I loved you. I should have told you then. I should have gone into that room. I should have named you.